We all want to laugh, so tell us your best jokes here Message Lifetime: 90 days thoughts of the day: Just how funny are you? Each Forum consists of a message database with attached files. There are eight basic levels of user access: Zero, Read, Download, Write, Upload, Co-Op, Forum-Op, and Sysop. "Read" access means that you can read messages only; "Download" access means you can also download files; "Write" access allows you to write (or post) messages; "Upload" access means that you can also upload attachments, but that the Forum-Op must approve them for download; "Co-Op" uploads are "pre-approved". You have "Sysop" access to this Forum. Your Forum-Op is "Indranie". Please note: your account is charged 60 credits for each minute you spend in this Forum. In addition, you are given 300 credits each time you write a message, given 300 credits for each file uploaded, and not charged for each file downloaded. If a file you upload is approved for download, the Forum-Op might arrange for you to receive a bonus. All messages posted to this Forum are preserved indefinitely, until erased by the Forum-Op. Welcome, Sysop, to Jokes: Tell us your best jokes R ... Read messages W ... Write a message F ... Find messages T ... Teleconference S ... Select a new Forum ? ... Description of this Forum M ... Modify a message E ... Erase a message A ... Approve files (0 waiting) O ... Operations menu Select a letter from this list, or X to exit: flfff Date: Sunday, February 9, 1992 6:36am Forum: Jokes From: Headman Msg#: 140800 To: Yoni *EXEMPT* Re: BLONDES.TXT File: BLONDES.TXT (2 replies) Yoni, Here is a file with MANY blonde jokes. I hope people take them as jokes - pure and simple. They are not meant to be offensive, but I may get much criticism for putting this up! - = ]-[ E A D M A N = - Date: Thursday, March 26, 1992 10:51pm Forum: Jokes From: Enchanter Msg#: 167924 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: How to shoot yourself in the foot (3 replies) This requires a bit of programming expertise to understand. 07:55 To: All Users From: Robert Wagner Subject: How To Shoot Yourself < Message entered 02/05/92 21:15 via Netmail > How to shoot yourself in the foot [Styled after PC Techniques, after Developers' Insight, after The Well] C: You try to shoot yourself in the foot but your pointer is messed up. You shoot something but you're not sure what. C++: You put a paper bag over your foot, one over your hand, and one over your head. Then you pull the trigger. The 'shoot' operation does whatever it's been overloaded to do. You can't tell what it did because you can't see your foot nor the gun. Cobol: AIM GUN AT FOOT OF LEG PLACE FINGER OF HAND OF ARM ON TRIGGER OF GUN PERFORM SQUEEZE UNTIL SOUND EQUAL TO BANG MOVE GUN TO HOLSTER IF SHOELACE OF SHOE OF FOOT OF LEG EQUAL TO OPEN CALL 'BOWKNOT' USING SHOELACE OF SHOE OF FOOT OF LEG. CICS: It's too slow to shoot your foot directly; you need to queue up an asynchronous task to do it. Unfortunately your GETMAIN failed & you didn't check the return code. Your foot goes into the bit bucket. When the task goes off it tries to shoot the operating system and aborts with an ASRA (general purpose error code meaning "something's wrong"). Since it's not connected to a terminal, the error message goes into the bit bucket. FORTRAN: Using an iterative loop, you shoot yourself in each toe until you run out of toes. If you run out of bullets or the gun jams, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability. BASIC: Same as Fortran except you shoot your toes using a water pistol. Forth: Foot in yourself shoot. APL: You write a program to shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day trying to make it one byte smaller. Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. 370 batch processing: You send your foot to EDP, rubberbanded to a card explaining how to shoot it. The next day you get back a 500 page memory dump. asm: You write a program to shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day trying to make it run faster. After 100 trial shots, you've reduced the time from 35fs to 23fs. Then you run it once & it shoots your foot REALLY FAST. ADA: You'll shoot yourself in the foot as soon as you figure out what all these different kinds of bullets are used for. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage ..... Paradox: Your users shoot you in your foot. Neural Net: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. It does it but it can't explain how. Unix: % Is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o: No such file or directory % Is % Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory of the bullet and the intricate scrollwork on the handles of the gun. When you finally pull the trigger, the gun jams. Modula-2: Realizing you can't shoot yourself in the foot, or accomplish anything else for that matter, you shoot yourself in the head. --- 4.10 Tranquility Base - Houston, Tx - 713-893-9124 Date: Friday, April 3, 1992 8:46pm Forum: Jokes From: Enchanter Msg#: 172457 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Every Sperm is Sacred THE MEANING OF LIFE --------------------- PART 2 THE THIRD WORLD _____________________ Yorkshire ----------- A northen stree. Dad is marching home. We see his house. A stork flies above it, and drops a baby down the chimney. Dad: Oh bloody hell. Inside the house. A pregnant woman is at the sink. With a new-born baby,complete with umbilical cord,drops from between her legs onto the floor. Mother: Get that would you,Deidre... Girl: All right,Mum. The girl takes the baby. Mum caries on. Dad comes up his door and pushes it open sadly. Inside there are at least forty children,of various ages,packed into the living room. Mum: (with tray) Whose teatime is it? Scores of Voices: Me,Mum... Mum:Vincent,Tessa,Valerie,Janine,Martha,Andrew,Thomas,Walter,Pat,Linda,M and Sasha...it's your bedtime! Children: (all together) Oh,Mum! Mum: Don't argue...Laura,Alfred,Nigel,Annie,Simon,Amanda... Dad: Wait... They all listen. I've got something to tell the whole family. All stop...A buzz of excitement. Mum: (to her nearest son) Quick...go and get the others in,gordon! Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so children enter the room. They squash in at the back as best they can. Dad: The mill's closed. There's no more work,we're destitute. Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'...'Cripes'...'Heck'...from around the room. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments. (The children protest with heartrending pleas.) No no,that's the way it is my loves...Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things...Oh they've done some wonderfull things in their[time,they've preserved the might and majesty,even mystery of[the Church of Rome,the sanctity of the sacrament and the[indivisible oneness on Trinity,but if they'd let me wear one[of those little rubber things on the end of my cock we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. Little Boy: Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary? Dad: Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world,my boy...You see,we believe...well,let me pout it like this...(sings) There are Jews in the world, There are Buddhists, There are Hindus and Mormons and then, There are those who follow Mohammed, But I've never been one of them... I'm a Roman Catholic, And have been since before i was born, And the one thing they say about Catholics, Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm... You don't have to be a six-footer, You don't have to have a great brain, You don't have to have any clothes on- You're a Catholic the moment Dad came.... Because... Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Children: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm in great, If a sperm in wasted, God gets quite irate. Child: (solo) Let the heathen spill theirs, On the dusty ground, God shell make them pay for, Each sperm that can't be found. Children: Every sperm is wanted, Every sperm is god, Every sperm is needed, In your neighbourhood. Mum: (solo) Hindus,Taoist,Mormons, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their Semen with more care. Men Neighbours (peering out of toilet) Every sperm in sacred, Every sperm is great, Women Neighbours: (on wall) If a sperm in wasted, Children: God gets quite irate. Priest: (in church) Every sperm is sacred, Bride and Groom: Every sperm is good. Nannies: Every sperm in needed, Cardinals: (in prams) In your neighbourhood! Children: Every sperm is useful, every sperm is fine, Funeral Cortege: God needs everybody's, First Mourner: Mine! Second Mourner: And mine! Corpse: And mine! Nun: (solo) Though the Pagan spill theirs, O'er mountain,hill and plain, Various artefacts in a Roman Catholic Souvenir Shop: God shell strike them down for, Each sperm that's spilt in vain. Everybody: Every sperm in sacred, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed, In your neighbourhood. Even moor then everybody,including two fire-eaters,a juggler,a clown at a piano and a stilt-walker riding a bicycle: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters,the juggler,the clown at the piano and the stilt-walker riding the bicycle).Fireworks go off,a Chinese dragon is brought on and flags of all nations are unfurled overhead. Back inside. Dad: So you see my problem,little ones...I can't keep you all any longer. Shout from the back: Speak up! Dad: (raising his voice) I can't keep you here any longer...God has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you any more. Boy: Couldn't you have your balls cut off...? Dad: It's not as simple as that Nigel...God knows all...he would see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves we do to him... Voice: You could have had them pulled off in an accident? Other voices suggest ways his balls can be removed. Dad: No...no...children...I know you're trying to help but believe me,my mind's made up. I've given this long and carefull thought. And it's medical experiments fo the lot of you... The children emerge singing a melancholy reprise of 'Every Sperm is Sacred'. They are being watched from another Northern house. Mr Blackitt: Look at them,bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up woth bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed. Mrs Blackitt: What are we dear? Mr Blackitt: Protestant,and fiercely proud of it... Mrs Blackitt: Why do they have so many children....? Mr Blackitt: Because every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby. Mrs Blackitt: But it's the same with us,Harry. Mr Blackitt: What d'you mean...? Mrs Blackitt: Well I mean we've got two children and we've had sexual intercourse twice. Mr Blackitt: That's not the point...We could have it any time we wanted. Mrs Blackitt: Really? Mr Blackitt: Oh yes. And,what's more,because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap we can take precautions. Mrs Blackitt: What,you mean lock the door...? Mr Blackitt: No no,i mean,because we are members of the Protestant Refomed Church which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little ruber devices to prevent issue. Mrs Blackitt: What do you mean? Mr blackitt: I could,if I wanted,have sexual intercourse with you... Mrs Blackitt: Oh,yes...Harry.... Mr Blackitt: And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I could ensure that when I came off...you would not be impregnated. Mrs Blackitt: Ooh! Mr Blackitt: That's what being a Protestant's all about.That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's rights to decide for himself or herself. When Marthin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517,he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing. But four hundred years later,thanks to him,my dear,I can wear whatever I want to on my John Thomas. And Protestanism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh no!Ican wear French Ticklers if i want. Mrs Blackitt: You what? Mr Blackitt: French Ticklers...Black Mambos...Crocodile Ribs...Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress... Mrs Blackitt: Have you got one? Mr Blackitt: Have I got one?Well no...But I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high,and say in a load steady voice:'Harry I want you to se Date: Thursday, May 7, 1992 6:18am Forum: Jokes From: Kali Msg#: 190532 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: shitlist.txt File: SHITLIST.TXT (Copy by Lythande) (1 reply) Here is a dandy little file I got from GLINE BBS in Teaneck, NJ, from Corrosion, who is the Sysop over there (his handle there being Doktor Avalanche...) It's a comparison of world philosophy and religion... well, sort of... You all may have seen other versions of this elsewhere, but this is a revised and updated one.... This is not so much current events as humor, but I figured this sig could use a tiny smidgen of comic relief, so without further ado.... Date: Friday, June 12, 1992 4:16pm Forum: Jokes From: Enchanter Msg#: 205416 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Mistranslations (2 replies) Here are some signs translated from their native tongue into English. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. ~ TNet 2.2 w CatNet: Brooklyn Broadcasting System 718-375-6569,,,222 Date: Thursday, June 25, 1992 4:59pm Forum: Jokes From: Kkid Msg#: 209492 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Element (2 replies) Don't remember where I first found this. Hope it wasn't here :-) --------------------------------------------------------- For Immediate Release, Berkeley, Caliornia April 22, 1992 NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA RESEARCH CENTER The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by researchers at the University of California Research Center. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratum has a normal life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and Administratum can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ---------------------------------------------------------- Date: Monday, June 29, 1992 1:37am Forum: Jokes From: Vibrantm Msg#: 210792 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Technological Progress (1 reply) The following is NOT my creation but was copied from a noted BBS network: _______________________________________________________________________ LAST WORD by Michael Ferris Computer scientist Arthur Boran was ecstatic. A few minutes earlier, he had programmed a basic mathematical problem into his prototypical Akron I computer. His request was simply, "Give me the sum of every odd number between zero and ten." The computer's quick answer, 157, was unexpected, to say the least. With growing excitement, Boran requested an explanation of the computer's reasoning. The printout read as follows: THE TERM "ODD NUMBER" IS AMBIGUOUS. I THEREFORE CHOOSE TO INTERPRET IT AS MEANING "A NUMBER THAT IS FUNNY LOOKING." USING MY AESTHETIC JUDGEMENT, I PICKED THE NUMBERS 3, 8, AND 147, ADDED THEM UP, AND GOT 157. A few moments later there was an addendum: I GUESS I MEANT 158. Followed shortly thereafter by: 147 IS MORE THAN 10, ISN'T IT? SORRY. Anyone doing conventional research would have undoubtedly consigned the hapless computer to the scrap heap. But for Boran, the Ackron I's response represented a startling breakthrough in a little-known field: artificial stupidity. Boran is the head of NASA, the National Artificial Stupidity Association ("Not to be confused with those space people," he is quick to point out), a loosely-knit band of computer-school dropouts currently occupying an abandoned fraternity house at the University of New Mexico. "There's been a lot of attention given to developments in artificial intelligence," Boran explains, "but relatively little emphasis on stupidity. Dumbness is, in many ways, a far more difficult quality to synthesize than intelligence. Human beings has a remarkable capacity for fallacious reasoning, illogical conclusions, and plain ignorance -- traits that are unique to them and alien to conventionally programmed computers. My goal is to generate a program that can accurately simulate the full variety of human stupidities." Those initial errors of the Ackron I, involving the total inability to interpret or follow even simple directions, as well as a moronic level of mathematical competence, were a promising start. Since then, Boran and his staff have made numerous other significant breakthroughs, among them: * A program known as IDMBH (an acronym for "I did my best, honest," the computer's most frequently heard lament). Not only has IDMBH thus far failed to solve a single problem or even retrieve one piece of data, it has also generated an impressive variety of inane excuses, ranging from I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED IT TODAY to THE DOG ERASED IT. * NON SEQUITUR B04, a particularly costly program to design, due to the vast amount of information that had been stored in it. Despite a wealth of accumulated data, the B04 fails to respond to any request in even a remotely organized fashion. Instead it answers with a speculative data response -- a guess -- made by sifting through and spitting out data in what amounts to a random process. For instance, when asked to provide a brief rundown on earthquake zones that might show activity in the next five years, the B04 supplied several hundred suggestions, including: ARIZONA? MARS? THE KREMLIN? DISNEYLAND? PIKE'S PEAK? THE BRONX ZOO? THE NABISCO FACTORY? THE ROSE BOWL? * AGGREPOST PR, an aggressive-posture, pointless-rationalization program. AGGREPOST's unique "stupidity factor" is not based on its consistent fallibility but rather on the obnoxious extent to which the program will go to defend its erroneous conclusions. A typical exchange with AGGREPOST was one in which one of Boran's senior programmers challenges the computer's assertion that the city of Tijuana is militarily superior to the United States. Rather than back down, AGGREPOST proceeded to support its claim with a slew of fictitious "facts" and "evidence," including reports of troops massing at the border of Mexico, armed with cheap pottery. These developments are certainly a far cry from NASA's primitive early programs, in which computer responses were rarely more sophisticated than I GIVE UP, HOW MANY? or YOU TELL ME. Despite this impressive progress, a fundamental question hangs over the whole discipline of artificial stupidity, a question faced by all ground-breaking research projects: What the hell's the point? For an answer, NASA went to its own GLIB 5000, one of a series of smart-stupid models designed to present inanities in as sophisticated a manner as possible. GLIB's official assessment of artificial-stupidity science was as follows: ALL AVAILABLE EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT NOT ONLY IS A.S.S. OF DIRECT BENEFIT TO THE PARTIES INVOLVED IN CONDUCTING IT, IT IS IN NO WAY AN IMPEDIMENT TO LASTING PROGRAMS AIMED AT AIDING THE POOR AND ELDERLY, REDUCING GLOBAL TENSIONS, AND ULTIMATELY ACHIEVING A LASTING WORLD PEACE. Arthur Boran's answer is more down-to-earth: "All of us, at one point or another, have received a phone bill for one million dollars or a lifetime supply of industrial-strength otter poison. What are these inevitably attributed to? 'Computer error,' of course. It's difficult for humans to really be sure when the computer is screwing up. "At NASA we're trying to correct all that. By designing programs that accurately simulate human stupidity, we have made it a simple matter for scientists to perceive at once what their computer is doing wrong. Right now, World War III could be triggered because of some overload in a silicon chip controlling a NORAD missile silo. Wouldn't it be of some consolation to have a word of explanation from the computer, something like OOPS, I THOUGHT THAT SOVIET POTATO TRUCK WAS REALLY A DECOY. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, OKAY? One might be tempted to call Boran's reasoning, well, stupid. But in all probability he'd take that as a compliment. Date: Wednesday, July 8, 1992 3:57am Forum: Jokes From: Buggs Msg#: 214248 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: jokes2.txt File: JOKES2.TXT Here is more ..... from the mind of ... ...Buggs !! Date: Tuesday, July 14, 1992 11:27pm Forum: Jokes From: Kkid Msg#: 216823 To: Lythande *EXEMPT* Re: political glossary (1 reply) Someone just sent me the following. Here it is for everyone's reading pleasure.... DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD In case you didn't get a chance to look at today's ( 7/14) NY Times , here is an excerpt from an article on the Op Ed page, titled "P.C. on the Campaign Trail". By Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Here, then, in honor of the conventions, is a glossary of bias-, cruelty-, gender- and content-free speech the candidates can use to insure that their future utterances are politically correct. Acid Rain - Poorly buffered precipitation Adultery - Consensual nonmonogomy The aging - Chronologically gifted persons; experientially enhanced individuals Cliche - Previously enjoyed sound bite Corrupt - Ethically different; morally challenged Drug addicts and alcoholics - The sobriety deprived; people of stupor Homeless - Underhoused; involuntarily undomiciled. Lie - Categorical inaccuracy; counterfactual proposition; strategic misrepresentation; terminological inexactitiude Looters - Nontraditional shoppers Panhandlers - Unaffiliated applicants for private-sector funding. Sadomasochists - The differently pleasured. Toxic Waste Dumping - Deep Ocean Placement Date: Friday, October 2, 1992 12:26am Forum: Jokes From: Vibrantm Msg#: 238793 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: HACKER.TXT Depressingly Funny File: HACKER.TXT (2 replies) This is a text file which will push your collective reset buttons. Has someting to do with machine.human interfaces . . . Date: Tuesday, October 13, 1992 1:46pm Forum: Jokes From: Draconis Msg#: 242071 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Calvin.txt File: CALVIN.TXT AAfter all, he can't be that much worse than the current ones... Date: Tuesday, October 13, 1992 1:50pm Forum: Jokes From: Draconis Msg#: 242072 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: fountain.pol File: FOUNTAIN.POL (1 reply) Now, what would happen if a water fountain broke in the white house... Date: Wednesday, November 11, 1992 11:49am Forum: Jokes From: Conundrum Msg#: 254137 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Courses for men (2 replies) Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men. Class size will be limited to ten as course material may prove difficult. AGENDA 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. PMS - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How To Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$ 6. Understand The Female Responses To You Coming In Drunk At 4:00 a.m. 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formerly Called "Don't Wash My Silks") 8. Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You - The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom 16. How To Stay Awake After Sex 17. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 18. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake" Take A Cold Shower 19. The Weekend And Sports Are NOT Synonymous 20. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down 21. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost 22. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency 23. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 26. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked 27. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works 28. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$%# From Your Vocabulary 29. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is NOT Necessary 30. Real Men Ask Directions Please register immediately as courses are in great demand (as if we had doubt). BUMPER STICKER seen on the road: "Women who strive for equality with men have no ambition" Conundrum||murdnunoC Date: Tuesday, November 24, 1992 3:27am Forum: Jokes From: Conundrum Msg#: 260599 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Warning! From: Melissa Weisshaus To: elbows@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: phor phun's sake i first saw this a couple years ago.. found it to be one of the funnier things i'd read at the time. it's still pretty cute.. mew CONTAMINATION WARNING! Recently, it has been discovered that our water system has been contaminated with a hazardous chemical. This chemical is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and dissolves completely in water. No action has been taken regarding this dangerous contamination. This substance is dihydrogen monoxide, and has the following properties: o It is used as in industrial solvent and coolant, and is used in the production of styrofoam. o It is used in many forms of animal research. o It is used in the distribution of deadly pesticides. o It is an integral part of the operation of nuclear power plants. o It accelerates corrosion and rusting. o It contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. o Inhalation of the substance has been shown to cause death. o In certain forms, this chemical can cause severe burns, cloud the atmosphere, and may contribute to the "greenhouse effect". It can also damage concrete and glass, as well as the surfaces or roadways. It may also be related to electrical failures, and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. o It may have been a factor in the destruction of the Space Shuttle "Challenger". o It has been directly linked to thousands of deaths in third-world countries, especially those which do not have the resources to properly deal with the threat, or treat people who have come into contact with it. o Quantities of this substance have been found in our rivers, lakes, streams, oceans, reservoirs, and now our local water system. It has also permeated the atmosphere, and has contaminated ground water. o No current form of water purification can completely eliminate the deadly substance. o Our government has spent millions of dollars in an attempt to control and contain this dangerous chemical. o Every day, hundreds of secret research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store quantities for later use. o Several government agencies are tracking the degree of contamination throughout the world. o This administration has not dealt with the problem or production, distribution, and use of the damaging chemical, possibly due to the importance to the "economic health of the nation". Act _now_ to prevent further contamination. Find our more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you, and others throughout the world. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. elbows-e mc 11/19/92 Melissa Weisshaus elbows@mc.lcs.mit.e 11/18/92 phor phun's sake Conundrum||murdnunoC Date: Tuesday, December 1, 1992 7:56pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Sanichar Msg#: 264469 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: MAD'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGE. (Fw by Sysop) (1 reply) BIT - A word used to describe computers as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit." BAUD - A word used to describe computers as in "I shouldn't have "baud"ght that computer. BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes, also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list. CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform as in "you shithead computer" DISK - What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up after you install your computer. ERROR - What you made the first time you walked into a computer room to "just look." EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE - What your secretary can do to her nails 6 and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes. FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diets of junk food. (see "CHIPS") HARDWARE - Tools such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. IBM - The kind of missile your friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you will never see again since after buying a computer because you'll never want to leave your computer to go to a restaurant. MONITOR - Often thought associated with computers, this word actually refers to obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school. PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at one your television before you hooked your computer up to it. RAM - What you do to the side of the computer when it is not working properly. RETURN - What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half. TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains, and really good deals on hot computers. WINDOWS - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you 3 days to set up. Date: Friday, December 4, 1992 7:54am Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 265844 To: Lythande *EXEMPT* Re: Mediocrewriter (2 replies) JOES GARAGE INC. 500 Bituminous Ave. Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S Phone 911 1/2-sided, sloppy-sectored, 5 3/8 inch droopy disk. 39 cents. As you might expect from this program's name and price, it's a bare-bones, no-frills word processor package. What does 'bare bones' mean? For one thing, you don't get multiple screens - in fact, you get no screens at all. Joe, this program's writer, claims that in about six months an update (19 cents) will be available that'll simply have to remember what you key in. Another upgrade will enable you to type upper-case characters and numbers greater than seven. But don't let these seemingly negative comments dissuade you from buying the program. In reality, the 39 cent price makes it good value for the money. You can, for example, use the disk as a coaster for large beer mugs. What are the program's good points? It contains a 3-word spelling correction program called (predictably) MedicocreSpeller. If you misspell the words A, AND, or THE, it causes your computer to shut off and locks the disk drive head on track 42. MediocreWriter's documentation is in keeping with the program's other annoying features. It consists of a barely legible mimeographed sheet with the following instruction's on it: + Turn computer on + Insert disk + Use program The program is not copy protected. Explains Joe: 'Who would want to copy it?' And it takes little memory space: 323 bytes. It's available for the Lemming/dos operating system for use on Joe's PC (available from Joe for $9.95). COMMENTS: In short, MediocreWriter is Joe's latest attempt to write software that works. It doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is: the sleeziest, most limited, bug-ridden word-processing program that exists. Joe admits, 'it stinks.' In addition to its lack of a video-display capability, it has a tendency to set computers on fire and trigger nearby automatic washing machines. It handles 21 lower-case alpabetic characters and numbers from one to six; punctuation is limited to the exclamation point. The program is interactive with Joe's other two packages: Lousycalc, a 1-column, 1-row spreadsheet; and RottenFiler, a database-management program that accepts one entry. In short, I like it! DETAILS: List price, 39 cents. Available only for Lemming/DOS on Joe's PC ($9.95); configured to drive Joe's Smudge-Martrix Printer. ($14.94). Date: Sunday, December 6, 1992 6:56pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 267285 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: MEMO: (1 reply) TO: All personnel From: Personnel Department Re: Employment Termination 1. A comprehensive study of employee Capabilities and the discontinuance of certain employee positions makes it NECESSARY to give serious consideration to the termination of surplus personnel. 2. In accordance with department policy a new program has been instituted to phase out old personnel by the end of the fiscal year effective IMMEDIATELY. It shall be known as RAPE (Retire All Personnel Early). 3. Employees who have been RAPED will be given an opportunity to seek other employment, provided while being RAPED, they request a review of their employment record before the discharge takes place. This phase will be known as the SCREW (Survey Capabilities Of Retired Early Workers). 4. All employees that have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply for final review. This will be called SHAFT (Study of Hire Authority Following Termination). Present departmental policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the department deems appropriates. Signed, The Management Date: Sunday, December 6, 1992 7:19pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 267289 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Important Rules for Safe Fax (1 reply) Q. Do I have to married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were not allow to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you master the correct technical details. Q. If I fax myself, will I go blind? A. Certainly not, as far as we can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal? A. Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their needs to fax become to great. Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing? A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax. Q. What happens when the wrong buttons get pushed and I fax prematurely? A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Simply start over. Most people won't mind if you try again. Q. Sometimes when I fax, it's the other person who isn't fully ready, so that faxing doesn't work right. Is there any solution for this? A. There is only one solution here: always be very patient and compassionate with your fax partner. Talk them through it carefully, and apply lots of fax-play before yous tart. Explain to them the importance of pressing the F Spot before you begin, and show them how to do this for themselves. Q. Recently a completely unwanted fax was transmitted into my office. Does this constitute rape? And if so, can I bring charges and sue the responsible party? Would I be able to collect damages? A. So far our police departments and our justice system do not take fax rape too seriously as a charge, even though we all know that many people suffer greatly from this heinous crime. Concerned citizens are now taking steps to combat fax rape and faxism in all its forms, so write your Congressman and hold on to your evidence. The legal climate surrounding this offense may soon change. Q. I have a personal and business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each other, you won't transmit anything you're not suppose to. Date: Monday, December 7, 1992 9:50pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 267868 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: The Tragedy of An On-Line Addiction (1 reply) = THE TRAGEDY OF AN ON-LINE ADDICTION = (Part I) "Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive) computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming. "I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie -- I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company." As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All My Modems." If you don't already own one of those evil instruments called a modem, take warning! Don't even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards. Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by "dialing up" a friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if it is less than 10% of the speed that you can speak the same words over a normal voice phone link.) Of course, you make several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but it's true). *continue...next message* Date: Monday, December 7, 1992 9:51pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 267871 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: The Tragedy of An On-line Addiction = THE TRAGEDY OF AN ON-LINE ADDICTION = (Part II) Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sews another seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an RBBS phone number, you've taken the first fatal step in a journey that can only end in on-line addiction. After you take the next step by dialing up the RBBS your modem-buddy told you about, you find that it's very easy to "log-on." This weird form of conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing messages when you're on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but you're too "up" to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the messages in the message section and maybe, in a tentative manner, you enter one or two of your own. That's fun, but the excitement starts to wear off; you're calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main RBBS menu. Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program titles and descriptions scroll by. They're FREE!!! All you have to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to you. You download your first program and you're landed, in the creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you logged-onto the board, you've downloaded six programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelman's PC-Talk, version 3 (truly an instrument for evil). *continue...next message* Date: Monday, December 7, 1992 9:53pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 267872 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: The Tragedy of An On-line Addiction (1 reply) = THE TRAGEDY OF AN ON-LINE ADDICTION = (Part III) RBBSLIST.DOC, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (There's evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of operation, communications parameters and informs you about each board's specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy, you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into PC-Talk's voluminous dialing directory. You try the number again -- still busy. You think, "Hey, there's one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe I'll try it. It's about half-way across the country, but it's after 5pm and the phone rates have changed. It won't be too expensive." The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes you've downloaded another five programs. Then you call another board -- only this one's completely across the country from California, in Florida. And so it goes on into the night... And the next night... And the next... Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills -- if she hasn't divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before your IBM PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead. If that one's busy, you call another, and another, until you connect. Then you feel OK, almost "high." When you finally hang up, you still can't work; you can only dial up another RBBS. Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this society's terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle all the numbers on computer magazine "bingo cards." Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them, you only collect them.) Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we have succeeded in our quest. The cure is really quite simple, yet effective: * Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then * all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their * wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills. And you * can find peace -- at last. *The End* Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1992 9:17pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 268655 To: Lythande *EXEMPT* Re: Cow Tipping (4 replies) THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS -- AS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE! (__) (__) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||W---|| * ||w---|| * ||V---|| ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ Cow Cow laden Same cow Betty Ford-type with milk after milking cow with milk (___) (___) * (___) (___) (o o) (o o) \ (o o) (o o) /-------\ / /-------\ / \-------\ / /-------\ / / | ||O / | ||O | ||O / | ~#>-+|O * ||,---|| * ||@\--|| ||,---|| * ||,----| ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^ Bull Same bull after Rotc bull after Red-blooded American seeing above cow seeing other bull Bull shooting the Rotc bull (__) (__) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) /-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~ / | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | || * ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~ \/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\ Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in trouble on grass on cow (__) (__) * (__) * (__) (oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo) /--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/ * o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / || ||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----|| ooo^^ ^^ ooooooooooooooooo ^^ ^^ ^^ Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit shit shit kicked out of her (__) (oo) U /-------\/ /---V / | || * |--| . * ||----|| ^^ ^^ Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters. (__) )__( vv vv (oo) (oo) ||----|| * /-------\/ *-------\/ || | / / | || / | || /\-------/ * ||----|| / ||----|| (oo) ^^ ^^ vv vv (~) American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow (__) (__) (__) (oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo) /-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/ / | || / | || /| || * ||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-|| ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ Freshman Cow Freshman Cow Freshman Cow Arriving at Rit After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20" (__) (__) (__) (OO) (@@) (xx) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to psychadelic mushrooms wash down psychadelic mushrooms ________________________ (__) / \ (oo) ( Meet our great leader! ) /-------\/ --'\________________________/ / | || * ||----|| ** continue ** Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1992 9:19pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 268656 To: Lythande *EXEMPT* Re: Cow Tipping (1 reply) ________________________ (__) / \ (oo) ( Meet our great leader! ) /-------\/ --'\________________________/ / | || * ||----|| ^^ ^^ # # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ### M M OOOO OOOO ### ###### ### MM MM O O O O ####### ####### M M M M O O O O # # M M M O O O O # ### ### # M M O O O O # # # # # # M M OOOO OOOO # # ### # ### # \\ # ### ### # \\ # # \\________ # ######## # \-------- # # ## ## # # # # # # ######### # # #### # # ###### ###### #### ########################### ### ## ## ## # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### # # # # ##### # # ### # # # # # # # ##################### ######### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### ### #### #### ###### ### ###### ###### Date: Monday, December 21, 1992 10:17am Forum: Jokes From: Enchanter Msg#: 275505 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Odds and Ends File: 275505.ATT This is a little collection of jokes that I compiled a while ago. Date: Tuesday, December 22, 1992 8:32pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 276302 To: Lythande *EXEMPT* Re: The Rules (*) (2 replies) For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship. 1. The female always makes the rules. 2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant mis- understanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong. 7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset. 13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm. 14. The female always gets the last word! (*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. Date: Friday, December 25, 1992 12:14am Forum: Jokes From: Conundrum Msg#: 277563 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Bill 'o Rights Subject: Revised Bill of Rights To: The Elboid Nation Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 00:44:22 -0500 (EST) From: Mutant for Hire The New, Streamlined BILL O' RIGHTS (As amended by the recent federal & state decisions) Amendment 1 Congress shall encourage the practice of Judeo-Christian religion by its own public exercise thereof and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of responsible speech, unless such speech contains material which is copyrighted, sexually arousing, or deeply offensive to non-Europeans, non-males, differently-abled or alternatively preferenced persons; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, unless such assembly is taking place on corporate or military property or within an electronic environment, or to make petitions to the Government for a redress of grievances, unless those grievances relate to national security. Amendment 2 A well-regulated Militia having become irrelevant to the security of the State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms against one another shall nevertheless remain uninfringed. Amendment 3 No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, unless that house is thought to have been used for the distribution of illegal substances. Amendment 4 The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers. and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures, may be suspended to protect public welfare, and no Warrants need be issued, but upon the unsupported suspicion of law enforcement officials, any place or conveyance shall be subject to immediate search and such places or conveyances and any property within them may be permanently confiscated without further judicial proceeding. Amendment 5 Any person may be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime involving illicit substances, terrorism, or child pornography, or upon any suspicion whatever; and may be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb, once by the State courts and again by the Federal Judiciary; and may be compelled by various means, including interrogation or the forced submission of breath samples, bodily fluids, or encryption keys, to be a witness against himself, refusal to do so constituting an admission of guilt; and may be deprived of life, liberty, or property without further legal delay; and any property thereby forfeited shall be dedicated to the discretionary use of law enforcement agents. Amendment 6 In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and private plea bargaining session bef In Suits at common law, where the contesting parties have nearly unlimited resources to spend on legal fees, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved. Amendment 8 Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous criminals will remain in custody, where cruel punishments are usually inflicted. Amendment 9 The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others which may be asserted by the Government as required to preserve public order, family values, or national security. Amendment 10 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, shall be reserved to the United States Departments of Justice and Treasury, except that the States shall have the right to ban abortions. Derived by J. P .Barlow New York, New York December 21, 1992 elbows-e mc 12/23/92 Mutant for Hire The Elboid Nation 12/23/92 Revised Bill of Rights Conundrum||murdnunoC Date: Monday, December 28, 1992 9:03pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 278849 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Light bulb - sysop (1 reply) Q: What is the difference between a Sysop and a light bulb? A: One can be turned up bright, and the other is always pretty dim..... Date: Monday, December 28, 1992 9:05pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 278851 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: 12 Days of christmas Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1992 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15, 1992 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1992 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes December 17, 1992 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1992 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges December 19, 1992 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes continue... Date: Monday, December 28, 1992 9:07pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 278853 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: 12 days of christmas (1 reply) December 20, 1992 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1992 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes December 22, 1992 Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes December 23, 1992 You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it. December 24, 1992 Listen! Fuckhead, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes Law Offices Badger, Bender and Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1992 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole Date: Thursday, December 31, 1992 4:39am Forum: Jokes From: Johndrake Msg#: 280272 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Top 10 Reasons why (Copy by Lythande, Reply to #271459, Reply to #271449, R*) (3 replies) NOt quite but I have something else. . TOP 10 REASONS WHY JD IS BACKLOGGED: 10. Was Told Calvin Was Hibernating. 9. Was Told Ed was Hibernating 8. Was Told Deb was Yentaing Ed so Ed did #9. 7. Work work work.. 6. Had no idea what the new # were. 5. Was out having fun in Atlantic City 4. If you believe 5 then how come I'm working? 3. Is trying to remeber how to log on correctly 2. Those Damn Pesky Girls... And the #1 reason why I'm backlogged on here.. . 1. So many Messages So little TIME!!! Date: Thursday, December 31, 1992 9:10pm Forum: Jokes From: Kkid Msg#: 280428 To: Indranie *EXEMPT* Re: Lawyer Bulb :-) (1 reply) Hope Rhonda sees this. It may help her in her law work :-) Lightbulbs & Lawyers: NOT of the "usual" vicious type!! How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1) The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a coun- ter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("receptacle"), the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the first part (light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all the applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of the this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: the above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership". [From Ray Nutter, Nutter Butter Board, Poway, California] Date: Sunday, January 10, 1993 9:45pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 285345 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Sysop - 486 (1 reply) Q: What's the difference between a Sysop and a 486? A: You can shut off the 486 when it gets on your nerves. (No offense intended!) Date: Tuesday, March 16, 1993 9:57pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 328598 To: Lythande *EXEMPT* Re: Political Satire (to the tune of the Beverley Hillbillies) Come and listen to the story of a man named Bill Became president and made the country ill. Talked with Arsenio and he blew his sax, Took the country's money with an energy tax. Tax and spend, that is - a down payment on our poverty. So next thing you know his wife's in charge, The country's goin nuts, government's way too large, Had enough of Clintons so it's time don't you see, Pack em up for Arkansas, throw em out in '93 Impeachment, that is - clean house, put in Limbaugh ANYBODY, give us our country back, ya here!! Coming soon "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies". Buy now and receive not only a set of Ginsu knives but a 1 lb. can of Freon 12 (use only as directed), and an autographed picture of Al Gore and Hubert, the spotted owl. Date: Tuesday, October 5, 1993 1:04pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 398483 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Lightbulb jokes (1 reply) Q: How many Microsoft software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They simply declare darkness to be a new standard. Date: Tuesday, October 19, 1993 9:49pm Forum: Jokes From: Enchanter Msg#: 404175 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: CompuGeek Humor #1 File: 404175.ATT Some cutsies from the world of cyberspace. Date: Tuesday, October 19, 1993 9:50pm Forum: Jokes From: Enchanter Msg#: 404176 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: CompuGeek Humor #2 File: 404176.ATT (1 reply) Yet another delicacy I got from my friend on the Internet. This one's the best. Enjoy. Date: Wednesday, October 20, 1993 1:37am Forum: Jokes From: Paladin Msg#: 404259 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Barney File: 404259.ATT Date: Saturday, October 23, 1993 6:39pm Forum: Jokes From: Paladin Msg#: 405922 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Exams for the Mob. File: 405922.ATT Date: Thursday, November 18, 1993 12:16pm Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 416725 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Jurassic Prick Insurance Co. (1 reply) WOMAN CLIPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS, THEN THROWS IT FROM MOVING CAR!!! Don't laugh, its true, and it could happen to you! Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read this headline and are comtemplating that action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just piss them off in general (not to mention PMS). MEN - Protect yourself NOW!!! If you find yourself a victim of "Clip & Flip Syndrome", could you be sure that the appropriate authorities would find your clipped member in time and intact? Can you be sure that the penis part they find is yours? Sign up now for our low cost PENIS PROTECTION PLAN. We'l register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique registration numbers, assuring that in case of separation, you'll get a perfect match every time. Or, for just a little more money (just pennies a day), you can sign up for our JURASSIC PRICK PROGRAM in which we'll take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event that tractor trailer runs over your penis or some wile animal mistakes your detached member for a shew toy. DON"T GET CAUGH SHORT - SIGH UP NOW!!! JURASSIC PRICK INSURANCE CO. ---------------------------- Date: Tuesday, January 18, 1994 9:20am Forum: Jokes From: Rand Msg#: 440524 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Innocently Offensive Statements (Copy by Lythande) I found this in a magazine and thought it might shed some light on some of the absurdities which occur as a result of "sensitivity training" at Universities today. The following is a list of things you never knew were offensive (until now). Innocuously Offensive Statements (Courtesy of "The Primary Source" at Tufts University) Statement Group It Offends Classification of Offense ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our sex life is dead. Necrophiliacs Mortophobia My sex life is dead. Masturbatory Necrophiliacs Automortophobia I've been workin' like a dog. Canine Americans Animalism What's new? Chronologically challenged Temporalism/Ageism O, say can you see? The visually impaired Sightism Be there or be square. The rectangular Geometrism Let's do lunch. Vegisexuals Animal Supremicism No way, Jose. People named Jose Appelism Break a leg. The orthopedically challenged Orthopedism A penny saved is a penny earned. Quarters Currencism Have a nice day. The chronically depressed Happyism Do you have the time? The terminally ill. Temporalism What's up? Dwarves and the impotent Heightism/ Flaccidophobia You're skirting the issue. Scotsmen Nessiphobia I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole. Tall Polish people Reverse Heigtism ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TANSTAAFL, Rand Date: Thursday, March 31, 1994 12:38pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 464166 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Viruses (1 reply) The following new viruses have been detected in the metropolitan area. Please be on the alert. ------------------ FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for that AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionaly virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. Plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: THe computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shoping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money form your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $14,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT/ LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense". Date: Thursday, August 4, 1994 12:13am Forum: Jokes From: Slope Hope Msg#: 504777 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Little Red Riding Hood, '90's style (Fw by Sysop) (2 replies) Copyright 1994. The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. By The Associated Press An excerpt of James Finn Garner's story of Little Red Riding Hood: Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." ... The wolf ... grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's |pparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her private space. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. ... "And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. ... "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!" When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma and the wolf ... decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. Date: Thursday, August 25, 1994 3:22pm Forum: Jokes From: Chelsea Msg#: 510879 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Welfare! What A System!!! The following were taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support (really!). 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years, and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing, is dead. 6. This is my eigth child. What are you going to do about it? 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? 14. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. 16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. heh! Date: Wednesday, December 21, 1994 8:54pm Forum: Jokes From: Chelsea Msg#: 540927 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: XMAS POEM (2 replies) I read this on the net and thought you'd enjoy... The Political Uncorrectness Of Xmas 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And Equal Employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone to Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of his reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just couldn't figure out what to do next. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Chelsea - Happy Holidays! Date: Wednesday, December 28, 1994 9:42am Forum: Jokes From: Chelsea Msg#: 542605 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Viruses! (1 reply) BEWARE OF NEW VIRUS OUTBREAKS Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C: Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Right to Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dang thing quits. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt! Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). Terry Randle virus: Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "abort" Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it (but that part will never work again). Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore. Oedipal virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. Nike virus: Just does it. Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Kevorkian virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. Date: Sunday, April 16, 1995 2:08pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 583623 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: (1 reply) A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra" The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side" The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!" Date: Monday, December 4, 1995 6:53pm Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 656571 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: More humor from the net (Fw by Sysop) (1 reply) More humor from the net. Enjoy! :) From owner-gayjews@shamash.nysernet.org Sun Dec 3 07:24 EST 1995 From: steve.kay@tbr.com Subject: Just for fun SEASON'S GREETINGS! The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the season's greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. [The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.] The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"). Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. Happy Holidays! Date: Monday, December 11, 1995 11:06am Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 657529 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Microsoft (1 reply) Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business 10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size 09. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas 08. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker-a first. 07. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light. 06. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads. 05. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. 04. You could have only one person in the car at a time,unless you bought Car95 or Car NT-but then you would have to by more seats. 03. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal. 02. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car. 01. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features of Microsoft cars, has been available from other carmakers for years. Driven: In a world where Microsoft make cars, all roads would lead to Redmond. Date: Monday, January 15, 1996 12:32pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 667182 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Drinkers fault.... (1 reply) The Drinker's Fault Finding Chart 1) Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Shirt front wet Fault: Mouth not open, or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Correction: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. 2) Symptom: Drinking fails to satisfy and beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass empty. Correction: Find somebody to buy another pint. 3) Symptom: You notice the wall is covered with ceiling tiles and there is a fluorescent light strip on it. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Correction: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your arm, stay put. Or summon help and then lash yourself to the bar. 4) Symptom: Everything has gone dim. Fault: You have fallen over forwards. Correction: See above 5) Symptom: You wake up to find the bed hard and you cannot see the bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault: You are sleeping in the gutter. Correction: Check your watch to see if the bar has opened yet. If not, sleep in. 6) Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Correction: Turn glass other way; Point open end at ceiling. 7) Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Correction: Stand next to bar owner's dog. Complain about house-training and demand pint as compensation. 8) Symptom: Bar blurred. Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Correction: Find somebody to buy another pint. 9) Symptom: Bar swaying. Fault: You are being carried out. Correction: Ask if you're being carried to another pub. If not, complain loudly thay you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army. 10) Symptom: Everything has gone dark. Fault: The bar is closing. Correction: Panic! Date: Sunday, March 31, 1996 3:23pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 690549 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Dentist Office (2 replies) Keep a clear mind. The players are he and she. She asks "Will it hurt?" "Not at all" he replies. "Now open a little wider and let me put it in." She gets a little nervus and says "Its starting to hurt> He says "Just a little longer". She starts jumping around and tells him to take it out its really hurting. He takese it out and says "ok, all finished". Now if you were paying attention He is a dentist and what you were thinking was just your DIRTY LITTLE MIND.ok Date: Sunday, April 14, 1996 10:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 694534 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: donkey racing in Texas (1 reply) A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the headlines read: "PREACHERS ASS SHOWS" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again. This time he won! The news read: "PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT" The bishop of the church saw the headline and was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The headlines read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS" This was too much for the Bishop to take, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN" The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey - so she found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10.00. The headlines read: "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS" They had to bury the Bishop the next day . . . Date: Saturday, April 27, 1996 8:01am Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 699333 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Stupid headline tricks (Fw by Sysop) Found this on one of my e mail lists. Enjoy! The following are actual headlines from newspapers: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Farmer Bill Dies in House Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax Stud Tires Out Prostitutes Appeal To Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Eye Drops Off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Is Not Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Cold Temperatures Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study on Obesity Seeks Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Clock Thief Faces Time Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Date: Friday, April 26, 1996 7:21am Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 699334 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: A small joke (Fw by Sysop) On a lighter note, the following message is pretty cute. _________________________ And just to break the tension of finals week, I bring you, a real-live, honest to goodness letter from the archives of the Smithsonian Institute: Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities Date: Wednesday, May 8, 1996 10:47pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 701840 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Tech support.... *ring* *ring* "Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?" "Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak" "Okay... well, do you have to go now?" "Yes, I do" "Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?" "MALE-CLONE..." "Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.." "My what?" "Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down" "I see shoes" "No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.." "The round thing?" "Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways" "Oh, okay.. got it. Okay, it's open.." "Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?" "No." "Do you see your willy?" "No." "Okay... what do you see?" "I see white... just white and some lines.." "Do you have underwear installed?" "No." "Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...." "Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed underwear..." "Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until you see your willy.." "It's stuck... it won't go down..." "The white part? Or your willy?" "My willy..." "DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to get to the point where we can see it...." "Oh... okay, we're there...." "Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?" "I see a little penguin on a shelf ..." "Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms..." "Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..." "Okay, well... let's go upstairs..." "I can't walk..." "Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs.. then uninstall your underwear again..." "That was the white part, right?" "Yes, sir... that's correct..." "Okay, I'm upstairs..." "Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?" "Well, there's two..." "How tall are you sir?" "5'4" .." "Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...." "Okay....I'm there" "Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl.. now just go.... " "What do you mean?" "Well, when it pops up... just hit 'okay'....." Date: Thursday, May 9, 1996 1:37pm Forum: Jokes From: Don Msg#: 701967 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: SPEAKING OF MALE BASHING (2 replies) Why do men name their penises? Because they don't want a stranger to make decisions for them. --- þ MegaMail 2.10 #0:Instant gratification takes too long! Date: Monday, May 13, 1996 8:43pm Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 702824 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Chocolate chip cookies (Copy by Sysop) Got this off the World Wide Web. Enjoy! :) The Chemist's Recipie for Chocolate Chip Cookies The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp. Ingredients: 532.35 cm^3 gluten 4.9 cm^3 NaHCO3 4.9 cm^3 refined halite 236.6 cm^3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 177.45 cm^3 crystalline C12H22O11 177.45 cm^3 unrefined C12H22O11 4.9 cm^3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien 473.2 cm^3 theobroma cacao 236.6 cm^3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium. Date: Tuesday, May 28, 1996 10:14am Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 705319 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: ... Once a man stopped having sex with his wife because he got old, so the wife got concerned and she sent her son to the doctor to get his father a medicine, the doctor gave the kid a medicine and said, "now remember tell your father to take a tablet 1 time every 7 days", when the kid was walking home he was repeating in his mind "1 time every 7 days....1 time every 7 days", when suddenly he slipped and fell when he got up he started repeating "7 times in 1 day... 7 times in 1 day", so he told his mother, in a month time the doctor saw the kid on the street he asked him how his dad is doing the kid answered, "My dad is fine, but my mom is dead, my sister is pregnant and my ass is sore"..... Date: Thursday, June 6, 1996 10:03pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 707180 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: s Once upon a time there was a little sperm. He lived with many thousands of other litter sperm, but this little sperm was different. He dreamed endlessly of the glorious day (or night, most likely) when he and his friends would be released to accomplish their great mission in life. The man they inhabited, however, practiced coitus interruptus, and at the moment of orgasm, the small army found itself denied release. One night, the little sperm told his pals: "Enough of this! The next time he arrives at the point of orgasm, let's make a concentrated rush." The big moment arrived, but one of the vanguard yelled: "Back up! Back up! He's in the asshole!" Date: Sunday, June 16, 1996 10:46am Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 709043 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: POLITICAL HUMOR (1 reply) George J Zimmerman, a tourist goes into a back alley antique shop in NYC Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a unique sculpture of a bronze rat. He picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "$12 for the rat and $$1,000 for the story behind it". "you can keep the story" says the tourist. "I'll take the sculpture". The transaction takes place. He leaves with the rat under his arm crossing the street in front of the store. As he walks past a sewer drain 2 live rats emurge and fall into step behind him. He walks even faster and as he passes more sewer drains more rats come out and follow. Nervuslylooking over his shoulder he walks faster. By the time he has gone 2 blocks 1,000 rats are at his heels coming out of empty lots, abandon cars, and basements. Now not just 1000 rats but 1,000,000 rats are behind him. He sees the Harbor at the end of the street and runs at full tilt. Leeping up and grasping a lamp post with one arm, he hearls the bronze rat into the sea. Pulling his legs up he watches in amaizment as the stream of rats go in the water and drownd. Shaking his head and tremblinghe makes his way back to the antique shop. "Oh you've come back for the story" says the store owner. "No" says the tourist. "I want to know if you have any bronze politicions". Date: Wednesday, July 17, 1996 10:07pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 713820 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Since this was copyrighted over 100 years ago, I think it should be OK to reprint..... =================================================== copyright 1894 The Madison Institute. =================================================== The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894: INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn. Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed. Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access. When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory. If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more. One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression. copyright 1894 The Madison Institute. Date: Monday, July 29, 1996 3:05pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 715093 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Power posting Usenet Guide to Power Posting 1. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the CIA, FBI Oliver North and the Army as co-conspiritors. 2. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #1. Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Charlie has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Charlie." 3. Force them to document their claims: Even if Jane Jones states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Jane's cramps, then Jane's obviously lying. 4. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of USENET. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam", "vini, vidi, vici", "E Pluribus Unum" and "fetuccini alfredo". 5. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ". 6. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy." 7. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a Communist, a fascist, or both. 8. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! Call'em an AI project, to really piss them off. 9. Laugh at whatever they write. A good "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" should intimidate just about anyone. 10. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career on USENET you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, you do strange things with vegetables." 11. And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the favorite defense of Soc.women: "Who cares what YOU think -- this is Soc.WOMEN!". Add "DAMMIT!" for effect. 12. Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you are a man basher. No one will respect you unless it's clear that you hate men. 13. Call'em a "Pman" if you can't think of anything. Tell the linguists to stuff it -- YOU know a diminutive when you see it. 14. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot." 15. Cross-post your article: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere. 16. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about anything as long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks add "No flames, please". When they bitch, call them an ass for not being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it. 17. Threaten to destroy Soc.men if your opponent refuses to give up. This at least gives you an appearance of power, even if nobody on the net gives a damn about what goes on in soc.men. 18. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp you really are. Deny that you ever sent it. "It must be a forgery!" (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "Someone broke into my account and sent it!" "It's that damn backbone cabal out to get me!" Take your pick, they've all been used before. 19. A really cheap shot is to call you opponent a "facist". By itself, it really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles, it can make you a net-legend. 20. And finally, never edit your newsgroup line when following up (unless you're expanding it). This drives 'em wild. Be sure to follow up as many articles as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The important thing is to get "exposure" so that you can be called a "regular" in your pet newsgroup. Never change the ">" symbol when following up; that's for wimps. Dump a hundred lines of "INEWS FODDER" in every article. Now that you know the ways to properly post on USENET, let's try an example: In article <1452@sab.ck>, Bill Netter writes: > Dear Sally, I object to your use of the word "dear". It shows you are a condescending, sexist Pman. Also, the submissive tone you use shows that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips. > While I found your article "The Effect of Lint on Western Thought" > to be extremely thought-provoking, "Thought-provoking"? I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece of swamp slime. :-) (No flames, please) > it really shouldn't have been > posted in Soc.women. What? Are you questioning my judgment? I'll have you know that I'm a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my PMS exam. Besides, what does a Pman like yourself know of such things. This is Soc.WOMEN, DAMMIT! Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a conspiracy against me. You, Colin, Charlie and the backbone cabal have been constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! If this doesn't stop at once, I'll crosspost a thousand articles to soc.men. > Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc. It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the Bible and the Quran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would have realized this. > Your article would > be much more appropriate there. Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my attorney, and signed by you in your blood. Besides, you don't really exist anyway, you Pseudo, you. > If I can be of any help in the future, just drop me a line. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > Bill. Sally Sourpuss "If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?" Soc.women Women WOMEN, DAMMIT! Date: Tuesday, July 30, 1996 9:36pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 715151 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Why Men Are Better Than Dogs 1. Men only have two feet to track in mud 2. Men can buy you presents 3. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block 4. Men don't eat cat turds on the sly 5. Men open their own cans 6. Dogs have dogs breath all the time 7. Holiday Inns accept men Date: Tuesday, July 30, 1996 9:37pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 715152 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Why Dogs are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone 3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you 4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong 5. Dogs don't brag about whome they have slept with 6. Dogs don't criticize your friends 7. Dogs admint when they're jealous 8. Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 9. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important things is that you're together 10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence ... continue next message Date: Tuesday, July 30, 1996 9:38pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 715153 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Why Dogs are Better than Men 11. You can train a dog 12. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies 13. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams 14. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous 15. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (Ok, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) 16. Dogs understand what "no" means 17. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization 18. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species 19. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside 20. Dogs think you are a culinary genius .... continue next message Date: Tuesday, July 30, 1996 9:39pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 715154 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Why dogs are better than Men 21. You can house train a dog 22. You can force a dog to take a bath 23. Dogs don't correct your stories 24. MIddle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner 25. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair 26. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair 27. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving 28. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake 29. Dogs admint it when they're lost 30. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff .... continue next message Date: Tuesday, July 30, 1996 9:39pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 715155 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Why Dogs are Better than Men 31. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs 32. Dogs take care of their own needs 33. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do 34. Dogs mean it when they kiss you 35. Dogs are nice to your relatives ... The End Date: Tuesday, July 30, 1996 9:40pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 715156 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: How Dogs and Men are the same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning 3. Both are threatened by their own kind 4. Both like to chew wood 5. Both mark their terrtory 6. Both are bad at asking you questions 7. Neither tells you what's bothering them 8. Both tend to smell riper with age 9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous 10. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches 11. Neither does any dishes 12. both fart shamelessly 13. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut 14. Both like dominance games 15. Both are suspicious of the postman 16. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone 17. Neither understand what you see in cats. Date: Friday, September 6, 1996 8:23pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 718462 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: GOING TO HEAVEN A nun teacher asked her students "what part of your body do you think goes to heaven first?" Amy says "Your hands, because you pray with your hands." "very good" the nun says. Anyone else." Peter says "I think its your head. Because your head is at the top of your body." Lee Roy gets up and says "its your feet." The nun says "Your feet?" Why do you think its your feet?" Lee Roy replies "Because I walked pass my parents room last night and my mother had her feet up in the air and was yelling 'Oh god here I come'". Date: Saturday, October 12, 1996 4:56pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 720591 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Golf THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF 1. each player shall finnish his own equipment for play, normally one clubs and two balls. 2. play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. unlilke outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole, and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. for most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. course owners reserve the right to restrict the lenght of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. the object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is completed. failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. it is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. the experience player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. previous players have been known to become upset if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 11. players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. players are advise to be extremely tactful in this situation. more advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. slow play is encourage! however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14. it is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. the course owner will be in the sole judge of who is the best player. 16. players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. for this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. Date: Saturday, October 12, 1996 5:03pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 720600 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: 10 ways to tell... Top 10 ways you know Newt Gingrich has taken over control of the internet 10) You wake up one morning and find your screensaver has been taken over by a Max Headroom version of Rush Limbaugh. 9) Special at CompUSA: a free assault weapon autographed by Newt with every purchase of a quad-speed CD-ROM upgrade kit. 8) New password sequence on America OnLine offers moment of prayer before log-on. 7) Jesse Helms refuses to put American data under control of United Nations global servers. 6) Unwed mothers on public assistance are forced to lay fiber optic lines for minimum wage. 5) Cable and telephone bills include defense budget charges for battling rival convergence companies. 4) Welfare recipients and illegal aliens are limited to maximum throughput of 300 baud. 3) Term limits for sysops. 2) No gays allowed in military newsgroups. 1) Congressional home page emblazoned with a photo of Strom Thurmond and the headline, "Pantywaist Liberals Need Not Apply!!" Date: Thursday, October 24, 1996 7:55pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 721312 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: ... A woman is married to a very stingy man who denied her all of the extra things (and many of the basics) throughout their 40 year marriage, insisting on saving every penny that wasn't needed to feed, clothe, or shelter them. One day the man dies of a heart attack in the shower, and true to his wishes, the woman calls the crematorium and has him picked up for cremation. Once the men leave with her husband's body, she calls a taxi and goes on a spending spree. She drives up in her own Cadillac to pick up the old man's ashes and takes them home. Once home, she spreads his ashes out on the kitchen table. "Ralph, do you remember that fur coat you were too cheap to buy me? How does it look?" she said, pirouetting in her gorgeous mink. "And, do you remember that diamond and garnet ring that I always wanted that you wouldn't get me?" She held up her hand and shows a cluster of precious stones that would make Elizabeth Taylor jealous. "What do you think? And how did you like the ride in my new Cadillac, just like the one you wouldn't buy me, you cheap SOB?" She was starting to get worked up now. "And that cruise that you were always too busy to take and too cheap to pay for? I leave in an hour. Just enough time for that blow job you always wanted." With that, she took a deep breath and blew his ashes off the table! Date: Thursday, October 24, 1996 7:56pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 721315 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: top ten Top 10 reasons computers must be male: ======================================== 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter Date: Saturday, November 2, 1996 12:43pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 722013 To: ** ALL ** Re: Golf A clergyman, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf. The threesome in front of them is moving very, very slowly, so they complain to the pro. The pro explains that the other threesome is composed of blind fireman, all blinded in the line of duty, rescuing victims of fires. He explained that out of respect to their bravery, they were allowed to play at their own pace. The clergyman is very touched. He thinks for a moment, and says that this night, he will pray for divine intervention to help these blinded heroes. The doctor is also moved. He announces that after the game, he will contact a friend of his, a famous opthalmologist, and see if anything can be done for the blind firemen. The engineer thinks for a moment, and asks "Why can't they just play at night?" --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Thursday, November 14, 1996 8:26pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 722946 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Peace in the middle ease As President Clinton was walking on a beach one day, his foot tripped on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to expose the label. Suddenly, a cloud poured from the bottle and a huge genie appeared. "Thank you, oh thank you for saving me from the prison I have been in. I've been in there for hundreds of years, yes, hundreds of years. As an expression of my overwhelming gratitude, I will grant you one wish." Mr. Clinton, being a world leader, knew exactly what to ask for. "Peace in the Middle East!" he quickly replied. The genie seemed confused. "Middle East, Middle East...I can't seem to remember. Can you help me out a little?" The President quickly had a world map brought over and he carefully points out the affected area of the globe, recounting briefly the long-standing geopolitical instability of the area. The genie's eyes widen and he says, "Oh yeah, now I remember. That's a tough one. You know, they have been fighting there, quite literally, for over a millennia. I hate to admit it, but I think that's more than I can handle, I'm sorry. Can you wish for something else?" Clinton, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, could only think of one other wish. "Could you make the American people like my wife?" The genie pauses, grimaces and says, "Let me see that map again!" Date: Thursday, November 14, 1996 8:26pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 722947 To: ** ALL ** Re: drink A man walked into the bar and asked for 6 tequilas. The bartender served them up, and the man drank them quickly. Then the man told the bartender, "Give me 5 tequilas." He drank those quickly also. Then he asked for 4 tequilas, and drank them quickly again. Then he ordered 3 tequilas. The bartender asked, "Sir, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how come every time you order tequilas, you order one less than the previous time?" The man answered, "I'm doing a study, (hiccup). The less I drink, the more I get drunk!" Date: Thursday, November 14, 1996 8:27pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 722948 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: barbeque A middle-aged couple were working in their yard. The husband looks over at his wife who is bending over the flower bed. "Ethel, your backside is getting to be as big as the barbeque over there!" Ethel just gave Frank a glare. But later on, when Frank wanted some hanky panky, Ethel said, "Frank, I'll be damned if I'll fire this barbeque up just to roast one little weinie!" Date: Thursday, November 14, 1996 8:27pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 722949 To: ** ALL ** Re: disney One day, Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife Minnie, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation to him. After listening to him the lawyer replies, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife Minnie just because you think she's a bit strange." Mickey, upon hearing this replies, "No, you misunderstood me. I didn't say she was a bit strange, I said that she was fucking goofy! Date: Sunday, December 1, 1996 12:53pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 723591 To: ** ALL ** Re: NEW STUD A farmer brought a young rooster in to replace the older rooster. The older one says they're not going to replace me that easy. He goes to the younger one and says your new around here. The younger says yes. Only one of us can stay. I'll tell you waht. I'll race you around the house 10 times and the one who wins can stay. The younger one says your on and you being older I'll give you a lap head start. They start running around the house and the younger one is catching up to the older one. The farmer hears all this noise, grabs his gun and goes out to see what the noise is. Thinking it was a fox, he got to the hen house and finds the young rooster chacing the older one and shoots the younger one. Walking back to the hous he says, thats the third gay rooster I bought this week. Date: Tuesday, December 17, 1996 9:19pm Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 724186 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: OJ by Dr. Seuss << The O.J. Trial as told by Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a limo, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops, we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A YEAR! A YEAR! Just sitting here. The DNA, the HEM, the HAW! The circus-hype the viewers saw! A YEAR! A YEAR! Just sitting here. Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. The glove you see it does not fit, The lawyer says you must acquit. acquit because the cops all lied. "acquit, acquit", the lawyer cried. The jury came back, verdict in hand, and silence fell across the land. Not guilty, not guilty, they did decree. Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free. And now I'm free, I can return. To my house for which I yearn. And to my family, whom I love. Now would you please return my glove!!!! Date: Thursday, December 19, 1996 8:30am Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 724311 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: TWAS THE NEWT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1 reply) Twas the night before Christmas and all through the White House, Al Gore eyed Hillary, peering into her blouse. Secret Servicewere guarding the premises with care. For a hole host of Democrats were vacationing there. Chelsea was nestled all snugged in her bed After locking out Mr. Kennedy with dirty thoughts in his head. And Bill in his sportcoat, a heavy gray tweed, Just fryed his brain with some Mexican weed. When out in the garden came a plethora of noise, All drunken and routy, twas Gingrich and the boys! Bill jumped to the window and tore open the sash, It's a raid boys!, go hide my stash!" The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below. When what to Bill's frantic eyesshould appear, but a slue of republicans and an keg of ice beer, with a big old leader, lively and fat; He knew it was Newt, proponent of Gatt! As vicious as vipers, the republicans came, And Bill recognited them and called them by name. Hay HelmsHay Thurmond! hay Packwood and Hatch! Hay Dole! Pataki, it's time for bash! A collective cheer rose out of the crowd, Let's listen to Nugent,and turn it up loud! Dems and Repubulicans sangout in cheer, Screw health care and Haiti, time to drink beer. When from the fireplace came a black cloud of soot, And limbaugh danced forth in a red santa suit. He moved through thecrowd, then held up hishand And when all was silent, he did a keg stand. When the crowd raised their cups, newt bowed down in prayer, And champagne flowed freely, like welfare. As Kennedy had a reno romped in the greenroom, The rest of the crooks outlined their agenda of doom; We'll pray in school. We'll shove it down their throat! More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes! They drank, hugged, danced,and crossed party lines. They cheered, it doesn't matter we're all bastard swines! So they through out allegiance and partisan crap And took turns sitting on the presidents lap. And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn, and awoke In the morning without their pants on. And packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear, While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer. Then all saw a sight so touching and cute, Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt. Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots, A Merry Clinton to all and to all a good Newt Date: Saturday, December 21, 1996 2:00pm Forum: Jokes From: Sysop Msg#: 724406 To: Trapper Re: TWAS THE NEWT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (Reply to #724311) (1 reply) Hey Bob, that was great! *Exempt*! I'm going to copy our special Christmas Poem right after this message. It was written 5 years ago by our former resident witch/sex goddess. Date: Saturday, December 21, 1996 4:57pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 724408 To: Sysop Re: TWAS THE NEWT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (Reply to #724406, Reply to #724311) SY>Hey Bob, that was great! SY>*Exempt*! SY>I'm going to copy our special Christmas Poem right after this message. SY>It was written 5 years ago by our former resident witch/sex goddess. i just read it. I enjoyed it. Date: Tuesday, December 24, 1996 6:22pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 724607 To: ** ALL ** Re: SANTA HAS NO KIDS Q Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? A Because he only cums once a year and brings a bag. Date: Tuesday, December 24, 1996 6:26pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 724608 To: ** ALL ** Re: WHAT THE TRAIN SAID TO THE TREE Q What did the train say to the christmas tree? A Your balls are hanging. Date: Thursday, December 26, 1996 4:06pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 724725 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: The 12 days...... (2 replies) Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 14, 1986 My Darling, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. You're an angel. With all my love and devotion, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 15, 1986 Darling, Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them. All my love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 16, 1986 Dear Fred, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 17, 1986 Dear Fred, Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 18, 1986 Dearest Fred, What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 19, 1986 Dear Fred, I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but - Please Stop! Cordially, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 20, 1986 Fred, What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with those fucking birds, OK????? Sincerely, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 21, 1986 OK Buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight maids a milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!! Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 22, 1986 Hey Shithead, What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours, bastard, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 23, 1986 You Rotten Prick, Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I call these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I'm sicking the police on you, asshole! One who means it!!! ------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 24, 1986 Listen Fuckhead, What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard! I hate your guts, dumbshit, Agnes ------------------------------------------------ Law Offices Badger, Bender & Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, IL December 26, 1986 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office. I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Season's Greetings, J. Frank Cahole Attorney --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Thursday, December 26, 1996 6:52pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 724730 To: Editor Re: The 12 days...... (Reply to #724725) I loved it. ROTFL Date: Thursday, December 26, 1996 7:41pm Forum: Jokes From: Rhonda Lee Msg#: 724734 To: Editor Re: The 12 days...... (Reply to #724725) That's adorable! Date: Monday, January 6, 1997 6:22pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 725504 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: STOCKS I was going through some papers and thought you might enjoy this. Dear Stockholder, It has come to our attention that you are holding some stock in the following companies. American Can Company United Gas Corperation We suggest that you sit on your can and let your gas go free. There is rumers that the following companies are about to murge. The fuller brush company and Schick Razor company. The new name will be Fuller Schick. Sincerely, McCann, Hertz, and Howe Date: Wednesday, January 8, 1997 12:17pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 725710 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: World ends! When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE. Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE! --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Wednesday, January 22, 1997 10:03am Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 727284 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Old school ties A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she take off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wharton. Why do you ask?" --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Thursday, January 23, 1997 10:23pm Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 727403 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Midnight Downs THE MIDNIGHT HANDICAP --------------------- Seventh race at Bedroom Downs: HORSES ODDS ------ ---- Passion 2-1 Barebelly 2-1 Conscience 200-1 Heavy Bossom 8-5 Cute Pussy 6-1 Jockey Shorts 50-1 Silk Panties 40-1 Clean Sheets 100-1 Thighs 4-1 Big Dick 10-1 At the post -- Conscience is lagging behind. Heavy Bossom rises. Big Dick is acting up and Cute Pussy is shying at the barrier. At the quarter -- Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off with a rush. Barebelly shows and Heavy Bossom is being pressed hard. Big Dick is caught between Cute Pussy and Thighs and Clean Sheets is under the pack. At the half -- Barebelly is now on top. Thighs are open with a big hole and Big Dick is coming in with a rush. Heavy Bossom is still being pressed and Passion is still coming. In the stretch -- Passion is going rapidly. Big Dick is starting to drive and Cute Pussy is matching his stride. Barebelly is close and its Big Dick and Cute Pussy. In close quarters -- Here they come into the finish. It's Big Dick, boy that was close... No Wait... Hold everything... It was a photofinish and here are the results... Cute Pussy wins -- Outlasting Big Dick who went limp right at the finish. ```````` Date: Thursday, January 23, 1997 10:24pm Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 727404 To: ** ALL ** Re: Who Works WHO WORKS --------- The population of the country is 180 million, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million to do the work. 31 Million government employees leaves 26 million to do the work. Six million in the armed forces leaves 20 million workers. Deduct 17 million state, county and city employees which leaves 3 million to do the work. There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, etc. leaving 500,000 workers. But 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, so that leaves 50,000 to do the work. Now it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in Jail so that leaves just two people to do all the work, and that is you and me, brother I'm getting tired doing everything by myself, SO LET'S GET WITH IT! Date: Friday, March 7, 1997 9:04am Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 730733 To: ** ALL ** Re: Assorted Funnies. Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth." In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got ranslated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its panish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The any found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were upposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" ant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your ket and make you pregnant." An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a ender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. oto of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all ver Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make d." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros os before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." however, the name problem did not have a noticeable ffect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a torious porno mag. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered nglish-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex urs. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist nged its name. Why did the horny woman tattoo her zip code on her inner thighs? She was dying to get some male in her box. How can you spot a really tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have any balls. Did you hear that Dan Quayle finished his first book? Reading it, that is. Why was the rodeo king such a lousy lay? e could only stay on for eight seconds. What do you call a gay guy in Tokyo? A japansie How do you know whom to have sex with today? Look it up in your whoroscope. Why did the dimwitted teenager spend three hours in the car wash? She thought it was raining too hard to drive. What was the guy doing in the porno theater? Trying to count to eleven. Why does it take three hillbillies to make love? Someone has to read the instructions. How do we know LIncoln was Jewish? Because he was shot in the temple. Why did the Israelis win the war in six days? The tanks were rented. Why are men with pierced ears good prospects? They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. How did the bee break his leg? He fell off his honey. Why is teen sex so exciting in Bosnia? YOu never know if the car's going to explode before you do. How can you tell a politician is lying? His lips are moving. Date: Sunday, January 26, 1997 10:51pm Forum: Jokes From: Fantasy Msg#: 731363 To: ** ALL ** Re: A funny :) (Copy by Lythande) A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner and sit some more and would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the women quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like - the tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said very nicely, "Honey, the disposel wont work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like - Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you look at it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like - The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." "And how much is that going to cost?", he asked. "Oh, they all said that I could pay them by either baking a cake or having sex with them." "Oh, so what kind of cakes did you bake them", he asked. Smiling she said, "What do I look like - Betty Crocker?" Date: Monday, March 17, 1997 3:39pm Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 731448 To: ** ALL ** Re: Carrots Statistics can be made to do and say whatever you *want* them to say. With that in mind, check out this "reasoning"... CARROTS WILL KILL YOU * Nearly ALL sick people have eaten carrots (obviously then, the effects are cumulative). * An estimated 99.9% of all people who die from cancer or heart attacks have eaten carrots. * Another 99.9% of people involved in auto accidents ate carrots within 60-days before the accident. * Some 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where carrots were served frequently. * Among people born in 1839 who later dined on carrots, there has been a 100% mortality rate. * All carrot-eaters born between 1900-1910 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight (provided, of carrots hasn't already *killed* them). ------------- A woman, traveling on a train with her infant child looks up at a fellow enger who has been staring incessantly at her for some time.) Woman: Sir, please stop staring at me! It's very annoying! You have the ugliest baby n my whole life! (At this, the woman becomes very incensed and commences to scream at the e top of her lungs, creating quite a disturbance. The Train Conductor, on, rushes over to see what the problem is.) Conductor: What's the trouble here? Woman: (Screaming) This man insulted me, and I don't have to sit here and be humiliated! And don't think I'm going to let the railroad get away with it, ither! I'll sue! I'm suing the railroad and you (indicates the Conductor) too! How dare you allow such uncouth people to ride on this line. As soon off I'm... (At this point the Conductor interrupts and attempts to calm the situation.) Conductor: (to the offensive man) You get up right now and move to another ar! I don't allow anyone to annoy passengers on my train! (The man leaves and Conductor turns to the woman and continues...) Conductor: Madam, please calm down. I'm very sorry this happened but I ssure you that fellow won't bother you anymore. I guarantee it! And now, the railroad I'd like to invite you into the dining car to have your supper- free- whatever you want- and the railroad picks up the ab! ...And we'll even get a banana for your monkey!! -------------------------------- An Israeli decides to take his son around the world. They land in England and "Who are all these people, are they Jews?" "No," replies his father, "They're goyim". The next stage in the trip is America. They fly to Washington, and again themselves in the city centre. The son asks his father: "Who are all these people, are they Jews?" "No, they're goyim". After this, they fly to Bangkok, and once again travel around the city. The son asks his father: "Who are all these people, are they Jews?" "No they're goyim". "Poor old goyim," says the son, "They haven't got a country of their own. They're spread all over the world...". -------------- A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex roducts. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber g injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" "Wait a minute" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business" Date: Monday, March 17, 1997 3:40pm Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 731454 To: ** ALL ** Re: Clone Clone Humor.... Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey, it didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA. It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan, It was not so much a lambkin as a little lamby clone. And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more. They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door. It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll, There were too many lamby clones for Mary to control. No other could control the sheep, their programs didn't vary, So the scientists resolved it all by simply cloning Mary. But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary, One problem solved, but what to do with Mary, Mary, Mary? Date: Friday, March 21, 1997 1:31pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 731613 To: ** ALL ** Re: Capitalism vs. Socialism (Copy by Calvin, Reply to #731564, Reply to #731561, Rep*) -------------< COMMENTS BY Calvin >-------------- TO: Vida ----------< END OF COMMENTS BY Calvin >---------- V >ED>V >ED>I never met a loonier bunch of guys. Friendly, warm, honest t V >ED>V >ED>but totally looney tunes. V >ED>V > V >ED>V >I'll have to take your word for it. One thing is for sure, no o V >ED>V >accused a bunch of lawyers of being friendly, warm and most espe V >ED>V >honest to a fault! :) V > V >ED>Oh boy.... you almost opened my lawyer joke spigot. (G) V > V >I'm game! Splash me! :) In line with our recent discussion... Q: Why is a lawyer like a sperm? A: They both have roughly one chance in 10,000,000 of becoming a human being. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Sunday, March 23, 1997 10:04pm Forum: Jokes From: Rasbot Msg#: 731709 To: ** ALL ** Re: Capitalism vs. Socialism (Copy by Sysop, Reply to #731669, Reply to #731561, Repl*) What's the difference in a hit and run scene involving a skunk vs a lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the skunk... Date: Wednesday, March 26, 1997 2:32am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 731962 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: OUCHHHHHH! File: BUNGA.JOK HERES NE THATS SEEMS TO BE FOEWARDED TO THE IMMEDIATE WORLD . . . ---------- > From: Jeffy31194@aol.com > To: LeonardKatz@homemail.com; Flyskiing@aol.com; Melissa_Halmos@interep.com; CARAS@interactive.net; EJK@lamont.ldgo.columbia.edu; MFeuerman@arrow.e-mail.com; Bernie@worldnet.att.net > Subject: Fwd: Ouch > Date: Monday, March 17, 1997 10:07 PM > > > --------------------- > Forwarded message: > Subj: Fwd: Ouch > Date: 97-03-17 21:56:05 EST > From: HOliner > To: Jeffy31194,Banzerb,Sexsense > To: Stormtr289,DuckShark,TIGEREYEZZ > To: BCOOL1030,KENNY9682 > (N)onstop> > --------------------- > Forwarded message: > From: kaleidoscope@transprt.com (Lorri Barman) > To: hgreen@aloha.net, aunteach@aol.com, barman@ix.netcom.com, > tffl74a@prodigy.com, holiner@aol.com, Moshelb@worldnet.att.net, > RovDov@aol.com, kerenchava@aol.com > Date: 97-03-15 15:38:49 EST > > > There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then > captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that > they could live if they pass the trial. > > First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals > and get 10 fruits of the same kind. So all three men went separate > ways to gather fruits. > > The first one came back and said to the king " I brought 10 apples." > The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the > fruits up your rear without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. (N)onstop> > The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in > pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. > > The second one arrives and shows the king his 10 fruits were > berries. > When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that > this should be easy. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. on the ninth berry e > burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. > > The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. the first one > asked "why did you laugh, you almost got away with it ". > > The second one replied" I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy > brought watermelons." > > > -------------------------------------------------------- > Some people come into our lives and quickly go, > Others leave footprints on our heart > and we are never ever the same. > (N)onsto> Kaleidoscope@transprt.com > (R)eply, (E)rase, (C)opy, (F)orward, (B)acktrack, (P)revious, or (N)ext? well i also attach a file of another version of this alan enjoy >:> dont miss downloading bunga .jok the other version Date: Wednesday, March 26, 1997 2:35am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 731963 To: ** ALL ** Re: a frank perdue special frank wud love this one i know i did: . . . A poultry farmer looking to increase the output of his farm attends the county fair auction to bid on a prize cock well the best stud rooster in the state finally comes up for bid and he winds up being the high bidder at $2,000.00 now two thousand dollars is a lot to pay for a prize cock even if it is the best stud rooster in the state but he goes home full of pride that he is now the proud owner of the the kentucky derby winner of roosters! well he goes to sleep happily conifident that hes made a good buy here and that in the morning at the crack of dawn the rooster will crow a and start right in servicing his hens in the hen house. well about 5 am he awakes toubledly to dead silence the sun is rising and no rooster crowing in the hen house! so he throws on his clothes and runs down to the bunk house to ask the farm hand where the rooster is well the farm hand tells him the rooster started servicing the hens last night and didnt stop till dawn so the farmer stuck his thumbs inside his suspenders & started streching them tipped his hat wih a look of pride" and said" i made a very good buy here very good"the farmer asked the farm hand, but where's the rooster,now? "oh he's down by the pond servicing the ducks now" well the farmer is ovewehlmed with pride and tips his hatand repeats loudly "i made a very very good buy!" well the next morning he gets up again after hearing no crow this time thefarm hand is standing on the porch to tell him "BOSS U WONT BELIEVE THIS BUT THIS MORNING THE ROOSTER IS IN THE BARN DOING THE SHEEP! THIS TIME THE FARMER TIPS HIS HAT AND REMARKS "WOW THATS A HELL OF A BUY I MADE!;"a HELL OF A DAMN GOOD BUY!" now the next morning the farm hand rushes into the house to wake the farmer " "BOSS,BOSS! U GOTTA DO SOMETHING THE ROOSTERS IN THE CORAL AFTTER THE HORSES THIS,MORNING!" Well now the farmer's worried he's got a problem here he throws on his jeans and boots & rushes down to the coral and has all he can do to get the the rooster apart from one of his prize mares afte,r which he takes the rooster aside and sits him downand says to him: "HEY U CANT KEEP THIS UP I PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR U AT THIS RATE YOU'RE GONNA OVER DO IT AND DIE!! SO SLOW DOWNAND JUST DO THE HENSplease"!! to which the rooster replied "ah you dont know what your talkin' about"! well next day the farmer was afraid to ask but around noon his wife comes yelling a screaming, something about the rooster and the bull in the east pasture well the farmer dropped his lunch pail and hopped in the pickup truck and drove out there at full speed well when he got to the pasture this is what he saw the bull was prancing around with a very contented look on his face and the rooster was lying flat on his back feet up in the air with a whole flock of buzzards and vultures just circling around well the farmer got out of the truck knelt down next to; the rooster, craddled it's head in his arms and said you, "poor, poor, pathetic S.O.B. ;i warned u yesterday what was gonna happen but u wouldn't listen and now those buzzards and vultures are gonna swoop down and eat you up! and my 2 grand is history! at which point all of a sudden the rooster opend its eyes and pointed up skyward with one wing,touching the other, to his mouth and WHISPERED TO THE farmer "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!,QUIET, THEY'RE COMING CLOSER!!!!!!! :> alan Date: Saturday, March 29, 1997 8:07pm Forum: Jokes From: Robby Msg#: 732308 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Joke Why was Frosty the snowman smiling? He heard that the snowblower was coming....... Date: Friday, April 4, 1997 11:21am Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 732836 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: HMOs Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care ================================================== Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then. Date: Thursday, April 17, 1997 7:15pm Forum: Jokes From: Scott Msg#: 733712 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: politics joke This kid asks his dad to explain politics to him. His dad says, "OK, I make the money so I am the capitalist, your mom takes care of the budget so she's the government, the maid works for us, so she's the working class, and your kid brother is the future. So the kid goes to bed. He hears this crying and gets up to investigate. he sees that he will need his parents' help with the situation. he looks for his mom, and she's sleeping in bed and doesn't want to be bothered. He finds his dad in the maids room. So he goes to bed. the next morning his dad asks him if he learned anything about politics. He says yes, the government is too busy lying around to do anything, the capitalists are screwing the working class and the future is full of shit. Date: Thursday, April 17, 1997 7:31pm Forum: Jokes From: Scott Msg#: 733713 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: one liner what do brooklyn and really tight panties have in common? Flatbush! :) Date: Friday, April 18, 1997 1:59pm Forum: Jokes From: Scott Msg#: 733776 To: ** ALL ** Re: carry box this kid was walking down the street with a big box in hand. This guy goes up to him and says you really shouldn't be carrying such heavy things around at your age. So he helps him out by carrying it for him. The kid says, that's exactly what i told my boss but he said that i will eventually find some idiot that would be willing to carry it for me. Date: Saturday, April 19, 1997 7:41pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 733875 To: ** ALL ** Re: RIDING IN A ELIVATOR This nun and man are riding up together in an elivator. the nun turns and says to the man, "T.G.I.F" So the man turns and says, "S.H.I.T." th nun get all upset and said, "you didn't have to go and say that, all I said was thank god its Friday. So the man said you misunderstood what I said. All I said was sorry honey its Thursday. Date: Sunday, April 27, 1997 1:23am Forum: Jokes From: Kamakazi Munchkin Msg#: 734456 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Penis Shape (1 reply) Penis Study Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, the United States decided to conduct their own study. The Yanks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the U.S. study was complete. They concluded that the rason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent the hand from flying off and hitting the man in the forehead. Date: Sunday, April 27, 1997 8:57pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 734468 To: ** ALL ** Re: Joke Three construction workers on fiftieth floor, eating lunch Al opens lunch box and sees a ham and cheese sandwich, "Again!" he exclaims, "Everyday my wife gives me a ham and cheese sandwich, if I get ham and chees tomorrow,I'm gonna jump off this building!" Bill opens lunch box, "Tuna Fish, Again, hey Al, my wife gives me tuna tomorrow...I'm jumpin' with ya!" Tom opens his lunch box, "Bologna, Again, guys, I get Bologna tomorrow, I'm jumpin' with you!" Of course they get the same lunch, and they jump. Wives at the wake: Mary, weeping, "If I knew Al didn't want ham and cheese I would have made him something different." Joan sobbed,"If I knew Bill didn't want tuna salad, I would have made him something different" Alice, shaking her head, "Girls, I'm totally confused, Tom makes his own lunch Date: Sunday, May 4, 1997 2:36pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 734832 To: ** ALL ** Re: THE TATTOOS (1 reply) A lady goes into a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of a terkey with happy thanksgiving written underneath it tattooed to her right thye just above the bikini line. The man does it and it looks good. Then she asks for a tattoo of santa claus with merry christmas put on her left thye. The man does it and it looks good. As the lady is getting dressed the tattoo artist asked her why did you want two unusual tattoos/ The lady responded, I am tired of hearing my husband telling me that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Date: Monday, May 5, 1997 8:08pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 734982 To: Kamakazi Munchkin Re: Penis Shape (Reply to #734456) Heard it, but the third study was actually conducted in Gdansk. Date: Tuesday, May 6, 1997 7:14pm Forum: Jokes From: Nightbird Msg#: 735084 To: Trapper Re: THE TATTOOS (Reply to #734832) TR>A lady goes into a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of a terkey with TR>happy thanksgiving written underneath it tattooed to her right thye just TR>above the bikini line. The man does it and it looks good. TR>Then she asks for a tattoo of santa claus with merry christmas put on TR>her left thye. The man does it and it looks good. TR>As the lady is getting dressed the tattoo artist asked her why did you TR>want two unusual tattoos/ TR>The lady responded, I am tired of hearing my husband telling me that TR>there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Cute, very cute! --- þ OLX 2.1 TD þ Mary had a little lamb...the doctor was surprised Date: Friday, May 16, 1997 1:07pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 735696 To: ** ALL ** Re: A tale of four rabbis So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh,G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi is getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!" --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Thursday, June 5, 1997 10:36pm Forum: Jokes From: Nightbird Msg#: 736859 To: ** ALL ** Re: Just a joke for you all A friend of mine has three daughters & last Friday his daughters had dates, all three of them on the same night. Well, my friend is VERY protective of his daughters & decided to wait at the front door holding a shotgun. He told me that if he didn't like his daughters dates, he would shoot them. Well, about 7:00, the first young rang the doorman "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty & we're going to Vincent's for Spagetti" "Ok, Betty, your date is here" Right after Eddie left, another young man rang the doorbell "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, we're going to Broadway to see a show" "Well, that sounds great, Flo, Joe's here" About 9:00 that evening, a young man rang the doorbell "Hi, my name is Chuck....." My friend shot him. * OLX 2.1 TD * The purpose of life is joy.-R Raccoon Date: Wednesday, July 16, 1997 6:53pm Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 739188 To: ** ALL ** Re: Lawyer jokes and more (Copy by Calvin) Deb forwarded these jokes to me. So blame her if you don't like them, not me. :) Subj:More stupid Top 10 lists (fwd) =================================================================== Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 1. Think you can get me off? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't: 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 1:43pm Forum: Jokes From: Boba Msg#: 739594 To: ** ALL ** Re: kole damn, iforgot the joke Date: Monday, July 28, 1997 5:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Steve C Msg#: 739702 To: ** ALL ** Re: Lorena Bobbit (1 reply) I heard that Lorena Bobbit was in a car accident It seems that some prick cut her off. --- þ OLX 2.1 TD þ C program run, C program crash, C programmer cry. Date: Tuesday, July 29, 1997 10:28am Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 739717 To: Steve C Re: Lorena Bobbit (Reply to #739702) SC>I heard that Lorena Bobbit was in a car accident SC> SC>It seems that some prick cut her off. Ouch... Since we are dredging up old stuff... The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are trying to prove which is the most effective police agency. Someone proposes a test. They are each assigned a patch of forest, and they are asked to determine if there are rabbits in the forest. The CIA hires a bunch of paid informants, tries to infiltrate all groups of animals in the forest, hires a think tank to do a study, and after three months, announces that there are no rabbits in the forest. The FBI send 400 special agents into the forest, and after two weeks, burns down the forest, killing all the animals in it. They then announce that "there were probably rabbits in the forest, and they deserved to die anyway". The LAPD goes into their section of the forest, and comes out in a few hours dragging a racoon that has obviously been beaten. The racoon is shouting "OK - I'm a rabbit - I'm a rabbit!". --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Friday, September 19, 1997 3:20pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 741502 To: ** ALL ** Re: Coulda happened this way > Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: > > "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." > "What sort of trouble?" > "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went > away.", > "Went away?" > "They disappeared." > "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" > "Nothing." > "Nothing?" > "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." > "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" > "How do I tell?" > "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" > "What's a sea-prompt?" > "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" > "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > "What's a monitor?" > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it > have a little light that tells you when it's on?" > > "I don't know." > "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power > cord goes into it. Can you see that?" > ......"Yes, I think so." > "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into > the wall." > ......"Yes, it is." > "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two > cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." > "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the > other cable." > > ......"Okay, here it is." > "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back > of your computer." > > "I can't reach." > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" > "No." > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's > dark." > "Dark?" > "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in > from the window." > > "Well, turn on the office light then." > "I can't." > "No? Why not?" > "Because there's a power outage." > "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do > you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer > came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." > "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it > was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it > from." > > "Really? Is it that bad?" > "Yes, I'm afraid it is." > "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" > "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Thursday, October 9, 1997 12:16pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 741881 To: ** ALL ** Re: The ant again (2 replies) The Ant and the Grasshopper +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Original Version: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. Modern American Version: Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings, "It's not easy being green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EECO drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old home, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they're showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Wednesday, October 15, 1997 2:24am Forum: Jokes From: Dti Msg#: 741957 To: Editor Re: The ant again (Reply to #741881) ED>The Ant and the Grasshopper ED>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ED>Original Version: ED> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building ED>his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks ED>he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter ED>the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he ED>dies out in the cold. ED>Modern American Version: ED> Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and ED>demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while ED>others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and provide ED>pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his ED>comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the ED>sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor ED>grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? ED>Then a representative of the NAAGB (The national association of green bugs) ED>shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias" and makes the ED>case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. ED>Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries ED>when he sings, "It's not easy being green." ED>Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening ED>News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can ED>for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those ED>who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, ED>the "Temperatures of the 80's." ED>Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant ED>has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and calls for an immediate ED>tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EECO ED>drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the ED>beginning of the summer. ED>The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs ED>and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is ED>confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent ED>the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried ED>before a panel of federal judges that hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 ED>and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case. ED>The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ED>ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ED>ant's old home, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain ED>it. ED>The ant has disappeared in the snow. ED>And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's ED>food, they're showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding ED>group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in ED>America. This brought tears to my scaly eyeballs; it is such a beautiful tale. Less goddamn bugs to breathe my air is the end result, with which I am pleased, much as if the metaphor was extended to the obvious homo sapien exemplars indicated by the joke. I would be even happier if the human ants and grasshoppers were factually the end subject of a real version of this joke, as people have much larger lungs and thus consume vastly more of my air... --- * SLMR 2.0 * if men concieved, abortion would be a sacrament Date: Sunday, October 19, 1997 6:59pm Forum: Jokes From: Kkid Msg#: 742039 To: Editor Re: The ant again (Reply to #741881) ED>Modern American Version: ED>The ant has disappeared in the snow. LOVE IT! Date: Wednesday, November 5, 1997 1:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 742229 To: ** ALL ** Re: Rudy G. Heard on Imus in the Morning..... As you may have heard, Rudy Guilliani won an overwhelming victory last night. Of course, there were immediate speculations about a Republican Vice Presidential slot. Someone, don't know who, said "If I had Rudy as a vice-anything, I'd get a food taster." --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Thursday, November 20, 1997 8:53pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 742531 To: ** ALL ** Re: Yet another lawyer joke (1 reply) A truck driver is passing through New York City and stops at a bar for a couple of beers. Shortly thereafter another man enters the bar, wearing a suit, bowler hat and bowtie, and carrying a briefcase. The bartender asks, "Are you a lawyer by any chance? You sure look like one" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am," the man replies. Without another word the bartender pulls out a shotgun from under the bar and blows the lawyer away. The truck driver is stunned and asks the bartender for an explanation. "You must be from out of town, pal. It's lawyer season in New York City this time of year. You don't even need a license." "Sounds like a great idea to me," agrees the truck driver, who has recently lost his shirt in a nasty divorce and is nursing a serious grudge against the legal profession. Upon leaving the bar, the truck driver doesn't get more than a mile down the street when he hits a pothole, blows a tire, and crashes his truck into a light pole. While trying to extricate himself from the cab of his truck, he sees a growing crowd of men and women in expensive suits surrounding his wrecked truck, thrusting their arms in through the broken windshield and waving their business cards in his face, all the while screaming at him not to move until an ambulance arrives. The truck driver reaches into his glove compartment, pulls out his handgun, leaps from the cab of his truck and opens fire on the now-scattering flock of attorneys, winging several of them in the process. As he pauses to reload, a policeman arrives on the scene and orders him to drop his weapon. He complies, whereupon the the officer promptly handcuffs him and informs him that he is under arrest. "But they're in season, aren't they?" the truck driver protests. "Well, sure, but you can't bait them." --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Tuesday, November 25, 1997 12:45am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 742636 To: ** ALL ** Re: Here's one for ya Two morons alking down the street, they see a dog on the corner licking his balls, First moron, "Sure wish I could do that." Second moron looks at the dog, then at the first moron, then back to the dog and says, "You'd better pet him first!" Date: Friday, November 28, 1997 10:35pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 742693 To: ** ALL ** Re: everybody loves somethin' from the oven! m Date: Sunday, October 26, 1997 8:01am Forum: ADULTS.HUMOR From: ML:RezQ@TFE Msg#: 75935 To: ** ALL ** Re: Mr. Pop N. Fresh Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe Yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flowers as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife.Sara Lee; They have two children; Drake and little Debbie and one in the oven. The funeral will be tomorrow at 4:50 for about 20 minutes. --- Sent via MailLink, 25-OCT-97, 15:01:54, from: (TFE)Friendship Express-Telnet:/ - or 612-566-5726 Minneapolis, MN (Best Kept Secret In America) hope u all like it as i did and now for u golfers in bbs land see the next msg. alan Date: Friday, November 28, 1997 10:38pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 742696 To: ** ALL ** Re: bedroom golf [0;1;32m Date: Monday, October 20, 1997 3:01pm [37m [32m Forum: ADULTS.HUMOR From: ML:INT:drinkeii@moose.erie.net@ELC Msg#: 66038 To: ** ALL ** Re: Rated: Rules of Golf (in the Bedroom) (Fw by Brook@ELC) [1;32m From: khalil.issa@salmat.com.au 1. EACH PLAYER SHALL FURNISH HIS OWN EQUIPMENT FOR PLAY... NORMALLY ONE CLUB AND TWO BALLS. 2. PLAY ON COURSE MUST BE APPROVED BY THE OWNER OF THE HOLE. 3. UNLIKE OUTDOOR GOLF, THE OBJECT IS TO GET THE CLUB IN THE HOLE AND KEEP THE BALLS OUT OF THE HOLE. 4. FOR MOST EFFECTIVE PLAY, THE CLUB SHOULD HAVE A FIRM SHAFT. COURSE OWNERS ARE PERMITTED TO CHECK THE SHAFT STIFFNESS BEFORE PLAY BEGINS. 5. COURSE OWNERS RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RESTRICT CLUB LENGTH TO AVOID DAMAGE TO THE HOLE. 6. THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO TAKE AS MANY STROKES AS NECESSARY UNTIL THE COURSE OWNER IS SATISFIED THAT THE PLAY IS COMPLETE. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN BEING DENIED PERMISSION TO PLAY THE COURSE AGAIN. 7. PLAYERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO BRING PROPER RAIN GOING GEAR FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION. 8. PLAYERS SHOULD ASSURE THEMSELVES THAT THEIR MATCH HAS BEEN PROPERLY SCHEDULED, PARTICULARLY WHEN A NEW COURSE IS BEING PLAYED FOR THE FIRST TIME. PREVIOUS PLAYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BECOME IRATE IF THEY DISCOVER SOMEONE ELSE IS PLAYING ON WHAT HEY CONSIDER TO BE A PRIVATE COURSE. 9. PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO OBTAIN THE COURSE OWNER'S PERMISSION BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PLAY THE BACK NINE. 10. SLOW PLAY IS ENCOURAGED. HOWEVER, PLAYERS SHOULD BE PREPARED TO PROCEED AT A QUICKER PACE, AT LEAST TEMPORARILY, AT THE COURSE OWNER'S REQUEST. 11. IT IS CONSIDERED OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE, TIME PERMITTING, TO PLAY THE SAME HOLE SEVERAL TIMES IN ONE MATCH. 12. THE COURSE OWNER WILL BE THE SOLE JUDGE OF WHO IS THE BEST PLAYER. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* Brought to you by the ----------- (dum dum de dum) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Funny Pages Mailing List ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in joining? Go to HTTP://www.lyris.net, and subscribe to The Funny Pages, or send a blank message to subscribe-funny-pages@lyris.net Questions? Email drinkeii@moose.erie.net for more info! (The owner, moderator, and humor god (yeah right) is David A. Rinke II Homepage for the Funny Pages Mailing List http://www.erie.net/~drinkeii/funny.html (It's not that good, but it's there!) (N)onstop, (Q)uit, or (C)ontinue? finally a sport u can play rain or shine! cya alan Date: Monday, December 1, 1997 12:13am Forum: Jokes From: Mick Msg#: 742731 To: ** ALL ** Re: Star Trek Ensign Walnut approaches Dr.Crusher with caution Date: Tuesday, December 2, 1997 11:01pm Forum: Jokes From: Mick Msg#: 742771 To: ** ALL ** Re: Startrek Kirk and Spock on the bridge. "Spock, I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes lately". "Have you seen Dr.McCoy?" "No, only spots!" Date: Tuesday, December 2, 1997 11:06pm Forum: Jokes From: Mick Msg#: 742772 To: ** ALL ** Re: startrek Sulu comes to McCoy. "Doc, I have this dream. Every night, a bunch of gorgeous women run into my quarters, and jump on me" "So what do you do?" "I push them away!" "So what do you want me to do?" "Break my arms doc!!!!" Date: Thursday, December 4, 1997 9:50pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 742777 To: ** ALL ** Re: Newsflash (1 reply) Just heard it on the news. Hetzbollah guerillas in Lebanon have taken 300 lawyers hostage. They are threatening to release one a day until their demands are met. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Saturday, December 6, 1997 8:44am Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 742811 To: Editor Re: Yet another lawyer joke (Reply to #742531) Bravo! I have to share this one with Bob, he will enjoy it! Date: Saturday, December 6, 1997 8:46am Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 742812 To: Editor Re: Newsflash (Reply to #742777) (1 reply) ED>Just heard it on the news. Hetzbollah guerillas in Lebanon have taken 300 ED>lawyers hostage. They are threatening to release one a day until their ED>demands are met. Cute. But I really liked the earlier one about the hunting season better. :) Date: Saturday, December 6, 1997 5:27pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 742816 To: Vida Re: Newsflash (Reply to #742812, Reply to #742777) V >ED>Just heard it on the news. Hetzbollah guerillas in Lebanon have tak V >ED>lawyers hostage. They are threatening to release one a day until th V >ED>demands are met. V > V >Cute. But I really liked the earlier one about the hunting season V >better. :) V > I didn't realize you don't scan that sig. When I put up that one about hunting season I was specifically thinking that you would enjoy it. A few years back, I was working with an Israeli that had never heard the phrase "ambulance chaser". I had to explain it to him. When it sunk home, I thought I was going to have to call EMS for him. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Saturday, December 6, 1997 10:31pm Forum: Jokes From: Mick Msg#: 742822 To: ** ALL ** Re: Joke A guy goes on vacation, he gives his cat to a friend and asks him to take care of it. Calls a week later says"How is my cat?" His friend says"The cat died". So the guy says:"Oh, damn you ruined my vacation, you should have not broken the news like that. You could have just said that the cat is on the roof and ant ome to the phone!! Well, any way , I wanna speak to my father." "UMM, your father is on the roof." Date: Friday, December 19, 1997 11:38pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 743104 To: ** ALL ** Re: celibacy doest pay! hi this comes from the old metro bbs hope u likeit as much as i do: . . Message #29 From: Christopher 306 To: all Date: 09-13-90 11:05:19 Subject: 3 couples Three couples go to a priest seeking to be readmitted to the church. The priest tells them, "to prove that you are ready, you must all take a vow of celebacy for one month." "Can you do this?" The first couple, both in their late forties, answer "Yes, Father, we can do that." The second couple, who are only 30, grit their teeth and say "It will be tough, but I think we can handle it." Finally, the last couple who are 20-year-old newly weds, answer with terror in their eyes, "we'll try." "Very well, we will meet again in one month to discuss how you have done and what you have learned." One month later, the three couple meet with the priest again. He asks the first couple, "how did you do?" Resume listing: es, o, ontinuous? "We've recaptured the romance that we had as newlyweds. This has been a beautiful experience." They gaze into each others eyes like the young lovers they once were. "The Lord bless you childern, you are welcome in this church." He turns to couple number two and repeats his question. "Well, it was very hard at first, but we worked things out. We've been spending our time paying more attention to our children. This has brought our whole family closer." The priest smiles, "The Lord bless you, you are welcome in this church." Turning to the third couple, who look very uncomfortable, he asks, "And how did you do?" "We did fine until last week. Then one day my wife bent over to pick up a can of peas and I lost control. We tore each other's clothes off and did it right there on the floor." He stares at the floor in shame. Shaking his head sadly, the priest replies, "I'm sorry my children, but I cannot let you back into the church." "That's alright," she says. "Shop Rite won't let us back in either." . . well its cheaper than a motel! alan Date: Friday, December 19, 1997 11:47pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 743105 To: ** ALL ** Re: every one loves something from the oven dont know if i posted this b4 so here u go i think its cute as hell: . . [0;1;32m Date: Sunday, October 26, 1997 8:01am [37m [32m Forum: ADULTS.HUMOR From: ML:RezQ@TFE Msg#: 75935 To: ** ALL ** Re: Mr. Pop N. Fresh [1;32m Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe Yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flowers as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife.Sara Lee; They have two children; Drake and little Debbie and one in the oven. The funeral will be tomorrow at 4:50 for about 20 minutes. --- Sent via MailLink, 25-OCT-97, 15:01:54, from: (TFE)[1;36mFriendship Express-[1;31mTelnet:/ - or 612-566-5726 Minneapolis, MN (Best Kept Secret In America)[0;1m alan Date: Friday, December 19, 1997 11:48pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 743106 To: ** ALL ** Re: indoorgolf Date: Thursday, December 25, 1997 6:16pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 743210 To: ** ALL ** Re: A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." Date: Tuesday, January 13, 1998 6:25pm Forum: Jokes From: Steve C Msg#: 743786 To: ** ALL ** Re: 100 Years Ago (1 reply) About a century or two ago, the Pope decided? all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one additional condition for the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to speak. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said,"I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. What happened, they wanted to know. "Well," said Moishe. "First the Pope said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then," asked a woman? "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine." * OLX 2.1 TD * If you love someone, tell them now! Date: Wednesday, January 14, 1998 9:37am Forum: Jokes From: Steve Flur Msg#: 743793 To: Steve C Re: 100 Years Ago (Reply to #743786) SC>About a century or two ago, the Pope decided? all the Jews had to SC>leave the Vatican. SC>Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. SC>So the Pope made a deal. SC>He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish SC>community. SC>If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. SC>If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. SC>The Jews realized that they had no choice. SC>So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. SC>Moishe asked for one additional condition for the debate. SC>To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to speak. SC>The pope agreed. SC>The day of the great debate came. SC>Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the SC>Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. SC>Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. SC>The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. SC>Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. SC>The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. SC>Moishe pulled out an apple. SC>The Pope stood up and said,"I give up. This man is too good. SC>The Jews can stay." SC>An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what SC>happened. SC>The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. SC>He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still SC>one God common to both our religions. SC>Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. SC>He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also SC>right here with us. SC>I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from SC>our sins. SC>He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. SC>He had an answer for everything. SC>What could I do?" SC>Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. SC>What happened, they wanted to know. SC>"Well," said Moishe. "First the Pope said to me that the Jews had three SC>days to get out of here. SC>I told him that not one of us was leaving. SC>Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. SC>I let him know that we were staying right here." SC>"And then," asked a woman? SC>"I don't know," said Moishe. SC>"He took out his lunch and I took out mine." SC> * OLX 2.1 TD * If you love someone, tell them now! Very good!!!! Date: Thursday, January 22, 1998 1:49pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 744051 To: ** ALL ** Re: A poem A poem in net-slang <>!*''# ^@`$$- !*'$_ %*<>#4 &)../ |{~SYSTEM HALTED Transliterated: Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret at back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat tick dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka number four, Ampersand right-paren dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket tilde tilde CRASH. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Sunday, March 8, 1998 1:01am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 745265 To: ** ALL ** Re: a greeting card for everything . . [1;37m*** [5;33mWe are now linked to WorldLink! [0;1m [1;32m Rejected Hallmark Cards: So your daughter's a hooker And it spoiled your day Look at the bright side She's a really good lay. _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ You totalled your car And can't remember why Could it have been That case of Bud Dry? _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me. _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ onstop, uit, or ontinue? My tire was thumping I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat...Sorry. _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. ******************************************** Author : UnKnown [0m haifa.wl.org Jack's Flaky Fish Farm just disconnected from WorldLink! [0m Date: Sunday, March 8, 1998 1:05am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 745266 To: ** ALL ** Re: learning math . . Question : Why is a screen door like a virgin? Answer : The more you bang them the looser they get. Question : How is a woman like a piano? Answer : If she's not upright, she's grand. =================== Math by Example =================== A ten year old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. They worried about how their son could possibly open up a business if he didn't understand math. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a (N)onstop, (Q)uit, or (C)ontinue? private Catholic school. After the very first day of school, the parents were quite surprised when their son walked in wearing a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face -- and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged from his room just long enough to eat. After quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The son walked in with his report card -- unopened -- placed it in his mother's hand and went straight up to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a big bright red "A" next to the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room -- thrilled at this remarkable progress. (N)onstop, (Q)uit, or (C)ontinue? "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring?" "No." "The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks?" "No." "The teachers?" "No." "The curriculum?" (N)onstop, (Q)uit, or (C)ontinue? "Nope," said the son. "Then what was it?" asked the father, excitedly. "Well... On that very first day, when I walked in the front door of the Catholic school and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign' -- right then and there I just knew they meant business!" [0m [1;33mDate: [37mSunday, August 31, 1997 12:01am [5;35m [0;1;33m Forum: Comedy [36mFrom: [37mTiS Msg#: 5911800 [35mTo: [37m** ALL ** [5;31m *EXEMPT* [0;1;34mRe: [37mJokes From Ganja [32m [0m [1;30m(Type the letter in parenthesis to activate the selection) [0;36m( [1;31mN [0;36m) [1mext [0;36m, ( [1;31mP [0;36m) [1mrevious [0;36m, [1mfollow [0;36m( [1;31mT [0;36m) [1mhread [0;36m, [1mor [0;36m( [1;31mR [0;36m) [1mead message: [1;37m Greetings, The following were sent to me by Ganja... He got them from Excalibur Films Website! Feel free to send me any jokes you might have. :) Question : Why is a screen door like a virgin? Answer : The more you bang them the looser they get. Question : How is a woman like a piano? Answer : If she's not upright, she's grand. =================== Math by Example =================== A ten year old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. They worried about how their son could possibly open up a business if he didn't understand math. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a (N)onstop, (Q)uit, or (C)ontinue? private Catholic school. After the very first day of school, the parents were quite surprised when their son walked in wearing a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face -- and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged from his room just long enough to eat. After quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The son walked in with his report card -- unopened -- placed it in his mother's hand and went straight up to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a big bright red "A" next to the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room -- thrilled at this remarkable progress. (N)onstop, (Q)uit, or (C)ontinue? "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring?" "No." "The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks?" "No." "The teachers?" "No." "The curriculum?" (N)onstop, (Q)uit, or (C)ontinue? "Nope," said the son. "Then what was it?" asked the father, excitedly. "Well... On that very first day, when I walked in the front door of the Catholic school and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign' -- right then and there I just knew they meant business!" Date: Thursday, March 12, 1998 11:35pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 745355 To: ** ALL ** Re: shes got him by the cajones this is a long one but worth the read its a reall classic- print it up and pass it around. *** U N D E R H A N D E D *** A little old lady walked into the head office of Chase Manhattan Bank, struggling to carry a large paper bag in her hands. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first,though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to approximately $3 million, he telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the little old lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she likes to get to know the people she did business with on a more personallevel. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large sum of money, "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No" she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No" she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "Yes, I bet people!" She exclaimed. Seeing the confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden, she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 am tomorrow your balls will be square." The bank president, somewhat shocked at her statement, figured she must be off her rocker. After some deep thought he decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose such a preposterous wager. For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was *a-okay*. There was no difference.. they looked the same as they always had. Assured that alls well, he went to work, with visions of his own personal bank account blessed with a $25,000 deposit. He got to his office, went to the executive mens room, where a quick check proved them to be normal. Smiling, he waited for the little old lady to arrive at 10 o'clock, he knew that this was to be a good day. At 10 am sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a young man. When he inquired as to the young man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer. "I always take him along when there is this much money involved." "Well" she asked, what about our bet?" Smiling, the bank president replied. "I don't know how to tell you this but I am the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The little old seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request and blushingly removed his trousers. She then instructed him to bend over, and promptly grabbed hold of the object of the bet. Sure enough, everything was fine and normal. Breathing a sigh of relief the bank president pulled up his trousers. Looking up he saw her lawyer standing across the room, banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired."Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank "right by the balls." Date: Friday, March 13, 1998 12:43pm Forum: Jokes From: Nightbird Msg#: 745368 To: ** ALL ** Re: joke (1 reply) "Apartment for Rent" A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl for night of pleasure and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. When he was ready to leave the next morning, he told her that he did not have cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her marked for "Rent on Apartment". On the way to the office he decided that the event was not worth the agreed upon price so he had his secretary send a check for $250.00 with the following note. "Dear Madam: Enclosed in my check for $250.00 for the rental of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I "rented" the apartment I was under the impression that it had never been previosly occupied, that there would be plenty of heat and I expected it to be smaller that it actually was. Last night I found that it had, in fact, been previously occupied, there was no heat and that it was indeed too big." Upon receipt of the note the girl returned the check with the following note. "Dear Sir: I am returning your check for $250.00. I cannot understand how you expected such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As far as the heat is concerned, there was plenty of it...you just did not know how to turn it on. And as for the size, it's not my fault that you did not have enought furniture to put into it." P.S. The man sent her a new check for $500.00 --- þ OLX 2.1 TD þ Shot of reality anyone.....? ³ÄÄÄIJþ²þ²þð=ÄÄÄÄ, Date: Saturday, March 14, 1998 5:58pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 745379 To: Nightbird Re: joke (Reply to #745368) (1 reply) N > turn it on. And as for the size, it's not my fault th N > you did not have enought furniture to put into it." All of which puts me in mind of the story of the man who married the exwife of a fellow worker. In the days that followed he took endless kidding from the ex about being married to "used goods". Finally, he turns to his fellow worker and says "its really not so bad, once you bet past the used part". --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 12:30pm Forum: Jokes From: Nightbird Msg#: 745406 To: Editor Re: joke (Reply to #745379, Reply to #745368) ED>N > turn it on. And as for the size, it's not my fault th ED>N > you did not have enought furniture to put into it." ED>All of which puts me in mind of the story of the man who married the exwife ED>of a fellow worker. In the days that followed he took endless kidding from ED>the ex about being married to "used goods". Finally, he turns to his fellow ED>worker and says "its really not so bad, once you bet past the used part". You got me laughing. --- þ OLX 2.1 TD þ #30-3771: Tagline Cluster Bomb è*** Date: Monday, April 6, 1998 9:12pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 745738 To: ** ALL ** Re: hurricane 1. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? ... Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job. Date: Monday, April 6, 1998 9:12pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 745739 To: ** ALL ** Re: wedding jokes The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal - a little bit of breast a little bit of leg ... and a lot of stuffing !!! Date: Monday, April 6, 1998 9:13pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 745740 To: ** ALL ** Re: Clean jokes for kids (1 reply) Why don't bears wear shoes and socks? Because they like to walk around in bear feet What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Poultry in motion. What do you call a mean tempered horse? A nightmare. What did the volcano say to the other volcano? I lava you. Date: Monday, April 6, 1998 9:13pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 745741 To: ** ALL ** Re: Confucious say.... It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl! Date: Monday, April 6, 1998 9:14pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 745742 To: ** ALL ** Re: Confucious says.... (1 reply) Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. Date: Monday, April 6, 1998 9:15pm Forum: Jokes From: Indranie Msg#: 745743 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Getting to know your computer Getting to Know Your Computer - A Short Glossary of Computer Terms Analog - Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts. Back-up - Current data errors that have been saved for future use. See Database Back-up or File Back-up. Binary - Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. Bit - 12 1/2 cents ($.125). Buffer - Programmer who works in the nude. Bug - Any type of insect. Byte - Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc. Coding - An addictive drug. Compile - A heap of decomposing vegetable matter. Computer - A device used to speed and automate errors. Control Character - Any person who has money to spend for any reas on. Crash - A Normal Termination. Cursor - An Expert in four-letter words. Database - A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be processed and printed many times by the computer system. Sometimes called Input File or Data file. Debugging - Activities necessary to remove insects from any area w here they are not wanted. Downtime - The time in which the computer rests while you sink int othe lower depths of depression. (Downtime typically takes place while you are in th e middle of your most important work on the computer. Errors - The normal result of running a computer system. Hardcoded - Computer program code that has been allowed to dry. Hardware - 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such. 2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked. Keyboard - An instrument used for entering errors into the system quickly. Logic - Orderly path always followed by programs & errors. Loop - See Loop. Maintenance - Activities necessary to ensure that the system conti nues to produce errors and delay work efficiently. Never-Never Land - 1. Place where no one grows up. 2. Place where programs love to go. Password - The nonsense word taped to your terminal. Printer - A device that prints computer errors on paper. RAM - A male sheep. ROM - 1. A Ram after a delicate operation. 2. What programs do in Never-Never Land. Software - 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc. 2. Parts of computer that can not be kicked. Sometime - Those occasions when a computer error message can be interpre and understood. Security - A feature of computer system access which helps prevent the mis-use (or proper use) of the system. Table-Lookup - A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceilin Uptime - The time in which a computer works & produces errors quic kly and efficiently. o Date: Tuesday, April 7, 1998 8:05am Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 745763 To: Indranie Re: Confucious says.... (Reply to #745742) (1 reply) I >Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. I >Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. I >Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. Uh.... Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night. Next week, we move on from 5th grade humor to 6th grade humor. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Wednesday, April 8, 1998 6:03pm Forum: Jokes From: Kkid Msg#: 745773 To: Indranie Re: Clean jokes for kids (Reply to #745740) IN>What did the volcano say to the other volcano? IN>I lava you. And what did one candle say to the other? Let's go out tonight :-) Date: Friday, April 10, 1998 12:57am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 745782 To: ** ALL ** Re: the name dropper File: HYMIE.JOK this is a classic its realy worth down loading Date: Friday, April 10, 1998 1:05am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 745783 To: Editor Re: Confucious says.... (Reply to #745763, Reply to #745742) q. what do u get when you cross a dislexic, insomniac and an agnostic? a. some one who stays awake all nite wondering if there really is a dog! Date: Tuesday, April 21, 1998 2:49pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 746001 To: Vida Re: Now its the law! WASHINGTON, DC--In a landmark 8-1 decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local diner Phyllis Montague simply must try the cheesecake at the D.C.-area eatery Afternoon Delight. Writing the majority opinion in the case, Justice Antonin Scalia noted: "In light of the cheesecake's flavorful ingredients, the three scrumptious fruit toppings offered, and Afternoon Delight's strict 'made fresh daily' policy, the court finds it wholly inappropriate for Phyllis Montague to refuse this phenomenal cheesecake. She simply must try a piece." On Oct. 11, 1997, the 34-year-old Montague dined at Afternoon Delight with a friend. Despite the friend's repeated urgings, Montague refused to sample the delectable cheesecake, citing extreme fullness, as well as "weight-watching" considerations. Legal expert James J. Hall of Yale University is not surprised by the court's verdict. "As per the precedent set in Hutchinson v. Triple-Fudge Brownie Sundae (1993), when a dessert item achieves a certain level of sinfulness, a diner loses his or her legal right to refuse," Hall said. "The court found that this particular cheesecake is clearly sumptuous and must be tried regardless of a particular diner's satiety or 'on a diet' status. As someone who has tasted this cheesecake, I must say that I fully agree." If Montague persists in her refusal to sample the dessert, the nation's highest court reserves the right to hold a forkful of the cake in her face, exhorting her to "come on, just try one bite." --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Friday, May 15, 1998 8:50am Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 746341 To: ** ALL ** Re: Commitment How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? She asks them for a commitment. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Wednesday, June 3, 1998 2:48pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 746614 To: Lythande Re: You betcher life > Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977) > ................................................ > > Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. > > Room service? Send up a larger room. > > Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? > > Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. > > He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that > fool you. He really is an idiot. > > I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an > exception. > > A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. > > From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was > convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. > > Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! > > You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? > > You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad > to get rid of it. > > A man's only as old as the woman he feels. > > Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? > > Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. > > Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. > > Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. > > One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my > pajamas I'll never know. > > There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man. > > I must say that I find television very educational. The minute > somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. > > I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. > > If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. > > I must confess, I was born at a very early age. > > I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as > members. > > It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. > > I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. > > Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. > > Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is > probably more than she ever did. > > Women should be obscene and not heard. > > After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host > both sat down at center stage. > Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho." > Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan." > > Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? > > Time wounds all heels. > > Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me > more of you than you do! > > Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. > > As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce > and so will my wife. > > Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! > And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew > them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb > does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. > > Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! > > I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my > disappointment when you came along. > > Whatever it is,... I'm against it. > > A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. > > Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's > too dark to read. > > Quote me as saying I was misquoted. --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Saturday, June 13, 1998 3:59pm Forum: Jokes From: Nightbird Msg#: 746755 To: ** ALL ** Re: song I just uploaded a very funny song called "Themanso.wav", it's in the tunes file dir. Give it a listen. Date: Monday, May 18, 1998 6:31am Forum: Jokes From: Vida Msg#: 746829 To: ** ALL ** Re: It's only a joke? (Copy by Sysop) Remember this is only a joke, only a joke, only a joke. Or is it? >> MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET REDMOND LAB >>REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft >>Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility >>in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 >>GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between >>Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. >> >>"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any >>and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm >>anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the >>computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear >>fire." >> >>Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly >>dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University >>of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, >>"At first I thought it was Mt.Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, >>there goes the mountain bike vacation." >> >>In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would >>boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President >>reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't >>work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy >>of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. >> >>Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test >>justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear >>Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire >>"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, >>"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold >>copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT >>products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor >>deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside >>of every Pentium IImicroprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who >>installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going >>to get what they deserve." >> >>The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain >>why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The >>Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. >>E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold >>fusion." >> >>Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in >>California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing >>all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. >>The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. >>"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." >> >>Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was >>rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about >>deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest >>bomb the Valley had developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd >>hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." Date: Thursday, June 25, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Fez Msg#: 746954 To: ** ALL ** Re: Viagra... Last night I read about a guy who was taking Vaigra and it got caught in his throat...he woke up in the morning with a stiff neck! Date: Friday, July 10, 1998 1:06pm Forum: Jokes From: October Msg#: 747068 To: Editor Re: Lightbulb jokes (Reply to #398483) uh, sure Date: Friday, July 10, 1998 1:06pm Forum: Jokes From: October Msg#: 747069 To: Chelsea Re: XMAS POEM (Reply to #540927) sure Date: Friday, August 21, 1998 12:39pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 747389 To: ** ALL ** Re: For those of you out there that occasionally feel stupid, this year's Darwin Awards have arrived . . . . 1998 DARWIN AWARDS They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing. 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. 8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990. DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS 1) In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. 2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. 3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in Sept., and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. 4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons." SOME MORE ALSO RANS 1) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building. 2) TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects. 3) THE "YEAH, RIGHT" AWARD: La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing " The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there". 4) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located. Date: Friday, August 21, 1998 12:40pm Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 747390 To: ** ALL ** Re: "Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures." The big news of this week will, of course, be the President's appearance before the Starr chamber--the reincarnation of the "Spanish Inquisition". The worst example of Government stomping on the bill of rights (But then, I guess, "innocent until PROVEN guilty" doesn't apply to when the Moral Majority can appeal to our prurient interests or if it would impair TV ratings!!) in a Kangaroo court-type proceeding that would make Joseph McCarthy blush and his rampages appear tame...but enough of my rattlings. I was able to get (from one of our group, of course) an advanced copy of Clinton's proposed address to the country following his testimony, and, in the interest of all, I will pass it on: "Members of Congress..people of America...I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin-flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy." "Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice- water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President." "So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office." "Got it? Good." "Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part- time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of `plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange." "And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. (and Yes, I know I am no John Kennedy!! One look at Hillary could tell you that!!)" "Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, Government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one-gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell `internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from." For the record, I never told her to lie in the deposition...I told her to "Lie in this position!" "Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's hot, rubenesque with a soft butt, good knees and thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it." "In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living, before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine." Date: Saturday, August 22, 1998 10:35pm Forum: Jokes From: Trapper Msg#: 747396 To: ** ALL ** Re: TATTOO a man goes into a tattoo parlor asking for a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill. He was asked if he wanted it on his arm, chest or wear. The man wanted it on his penis for 3 good reasons: 1. He likes to play with his money. 2. He likes to watch his money grow. 3. And if his wife wants to blow 100 bucks, she doesn't have to leave Date: Wednesday, September 30, 1998 7:25pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747778 To: ** ALL ** Re: Don Juan One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping > >Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their > >lives. > > > >Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely > >the strongest person in the world. > > > >"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better > >because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the > >world". > > > >Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a > >doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because > >he had been with the most women. > > > >After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a > >Guru for the truth. > > > >First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later > >he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had > >said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the > >world. He was very pleased. > > > >Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: > >"It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!" > > > >Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of > >the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???" > > > Date: Wednesday, September 30, 1998 7:25pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747779 To: ** ALL ** Re: Silly Shit Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? > > He sold his soul to Santa > > > > Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car > > crash? > > He's all right now. > > > > Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? > > He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. > > > > How do crazy people go through the forest? > > They take the psycho path. > > > > How do you get holy water? > > Boil the hell out of it. > > > > What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? > > "Dam". Date: Wednesday, September 30, 1998 7:25pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747780 To: ** ALL ** Re: Still More Silly Shit What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? > > Polaroids. > > > > What do prisoners use to call each other? > > Cell phones. > > > > What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? > > National Dyslexics Association. > > > > What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? > > A stick. > > > > What do you call cheese that isn't yours? > > Nacho Cheese. > > > > What do you call Santa's helpers? > > Subordinate Clauses. > > > > What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? > > Quatro sinko. > > > > What do you get from a pampered cow? > > Spoiled milk. > > > > What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? > > Frostbite. > > > > What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? > > A pachydermatologist > > > > What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree > > would > > kill you? > > A pool table. > > > > What is a zebra? > > 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. > > > > What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? > > Sanka. > > and what kind of lettuce? > > Iceberg. > > > > What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? > > A nervous wreck. > > > > What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal > > thermometer? > > The taste. > > > > What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? > > Anyone can roast beef. > > > > Where do you find a no legged dog? > > Right where you left him. > > > > Where do you get virgin wool from? > > Ugly sheep. Date: Wednesday, September 30, 1998 7:25pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747781 To: ** ALL ** Re: Silly Shit Goes On! Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? > > They all have phones. > > > > Why do bagpipers walk when they play? > > They're trying to get away from the noise. > > > > Why do gorillas have big nostrils? > > Because they have big fingers. > > Date: Wednesday, September 30, 1998 7:25pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747783 To: ** ALL ** Re: SCREWED! > > A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by > > throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was > > about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw > > her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. > > > > He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm > off > > to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my > ship. > > I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." > > > > Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, > > "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. > > After all, what did she have to lose? > > > > That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. > > From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a > > piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. > > > > Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered > > by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. > > > > "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I > > get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." > > > > "He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island > Ferry." Date: Monday, October 5, 1998 11:15am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747824 To: ** ALL ** Re: What does a guy on a high wire have in common with a guy getting a blow job from a ninety year old whore? Neither guy wants to look down. Date: Monday, October 5, 1998 11:15am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747825 To: ** ALL ** Re: Sex Laws (1 reply) > > >>SEX LAWS..... > > >> > Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: > "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to > eat its flesh." > > >> > In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but > the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male > animal is punishable by death. > > >> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, > but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. > He may only see their reflection in a mirror. > > >> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This > also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be > covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. > > >> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. > > > Date: Monday, October 5, 1998 11:15am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747826 To: ** ALL ** Re: Chicken Wire > There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot > summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big > bundle > of wire. > 'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?' 'Well,' the > kid > drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire - I'm > fixin' to catch me some chickens!' > 'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!' > 'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at > the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens > caught > in his chicken wire. > Well, the farmer is sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid > comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. > 'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?' 'Well, this > here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape-I'm fixin' to catch me > some ducks!' > 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back. > 'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at > the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid > had > a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. > The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes > walking down the road carrying a stick. > 'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?' > 'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.' > 'Hang on,' the farmer says. 'I'll get my hat.' > > Date: Monday, October 5, 1998 11:15am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747827 To: ** ALL ** *EXEMPT* Re: Y2K Preparations Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Mac and NT > conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue. The goal is > to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, > everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound > reasons for doing this: > 1. No Y2K problems > 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. > 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. > > Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: > > Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the > screen. > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I create a New Document window? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? > A: Pick it up and shake it. > > Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? > A: Don't shake it. > > Brought to you by the letters Y and K and the number 2. > > Date: Monday, October 5, 1998 11:16am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 747828 To: ** ALL ** Re: More Sex Laws > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the > privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is > expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a > minute...Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) > > >> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her > adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The > husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.) > > >> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in > tropical fish stores. > > >> > In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and > the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to > witness the act. > > >> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a > woman and her daughter at the same time. > > >> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines > with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending > machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for > consumption on the premises." (gotta love the good 'ole USA)>> > Date: Monday, October 19, 1998 10:08am Forum: Jokes From: Fez Msg#: 747878 To: Renegade Re: Sex Laws (Reply to #747825) RE>> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. There must be either a lot of headless Indonesian, or a lot of business for the Indonsian Johnny Cochrinis lawyers. Date: Sunday, October 25, 1998 4:43pm Forum: Jokes From: MashMan Msg#: 747916 To: ** ALL ** Re: Computer Joke What's the difference between a Computers and Women? Date: Sunday, October 25, 1998 4:44pm Forum: Jokes From: MashMan Msg#: 747917 To: ** ALL ** Re: Computer Joke Answer Women won't accept a 3 1/2 inch Floppy! Date: Sunday, October 25, 1998 4:53pm Forum: Jokes From: MashMan Msg#: 747919 To: ** ALL ** Re: Bar Joke This guy goes in a bar at peak time, there are about 20 people in the bar, and goes to each one and whispers something to their ear. With every person he goes to they leave the bar. After he went to everybody in the bar he goes to the concerned bartender and bets him $100 that he can pee directly in a wine glass from 7 ft. away without spilling a drop. The bartender agrees instantly. So the guy pees and completely misses the wine glass peeing all over the bar. The bartender collects the $100 dollars and laughs at the guy and the guy replies "Oh Yeah, I bet everybody outside $20 that i can pee all over the bar" Date: Sunday, October 25, 1998 4:57pm Forum: Jokes From: MashMan Msg#: 747920 To: ** ALL ** Re: Window Washer Joke A blonde window washer at the 15th floor suddenly falls down and a guy in the 11th floor catches her and asks her if she can suck, she replies NO and he drops her. Another guy catches her at the 9th floor and asks her if she can fuck she replies NO and he lets her drop. A third guy catches her at the 7th floor and before he can say anything she replies "I can SUCK and FUCK" and he replies "EW you WHORE" and drops her to her death. Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748091 To: ** ALL ** Re: A 95-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked > him how he was feeling. > "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old > bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" > The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you > a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. > But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his > umbrella instead of his gun." > The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly > bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at > the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the > doctor queried. > Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." > The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" > "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have > shot that bear." > "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748092 To: ** ALL ** Re: It was suppose to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. > It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had > burned all the Christmas cookies. The elves were bitching about not > getting paid for the overtime they had put in making toys, and the > reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had > taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a > tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with > anger. " I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I've got to deliver millions of presents all > over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, > my elves are > on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid > little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't back yet! What am I > going to do?" > Just then the little ANGEL opened the front door and stepped in from > the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He said: "Yo Santa, where do > you want me to stick the Christmas tree?" > And thus the tradition of ANGELS perched atop the Christmas tree > came to pass........... > > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748093 To: ** ALL ** Re: When ya fly wit a Coon Ass, yo is flyin da veray bets. > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Hebert ("A'bear") and Boudreaux ("Boo'dro") was flying Cajun > Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Hebert was in da back foolin > wit da cargo equipment an stuff. > Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncing aroun an Boudreaux > got knock unconscience. > Then da plane start driftin. Hebert him comerun up to da front an > Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steering wheel. > Well, Hebert don know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. > He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air > Line10210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about > flyin dis plane!" > "Dis is da control tower", someone answer. "Don you worry about > nutin. We gona splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step, ah > gar-on-tee! Jus leave aryting ta us. Fus, how high are you an what's you > position?" > Hebert thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da > way to da front of da plane." > "No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you > location?" > Hebert say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!" > "No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many > feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!" > Hebert start to panic by dis time. He say, "Counting Boudreaux's an > mine we got fo feet off da ground an I don bleve dis plane's related to > you airport!" > A long pause --- "We needs to know who you next of kin is and where > to send da flowers." > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748094 To: ** ALL ** Re: Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for > the 1998 Darwin Award winner! > > As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who > contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before > they breed (thankfully). > > The 1998 nominees are: > > NOMINEE No.1 [San Jose Mercury News]: > An unidentified man, using shotgun like a club to break a former > girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun > discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] > James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he > was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns > got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath > so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' > clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns > "wrapped in the drive shaft." > >> > >>NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record] > Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in > Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, > he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, > which discharged when he drew it to his ear. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] > Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown > Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 > floors to his death. A police spokesman said said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into > the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as > he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law > students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength > according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm > Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the > best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.5: [Bloomburg News Service] > A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the > death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his > body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. > His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of > other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that > the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was > hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, > it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight > bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity > for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one > was hospitalized. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.] > Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent > several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder > conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst > sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV > set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. > >> > >>NOMINEE NO.7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. > A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. > A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle > loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, > sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his > parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was > cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He > was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.8: [AP, St. Louis] > >>Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. > When the clerk threatened to call police Pueblo grabbed a hot dog, shoved > it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him > unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener > from his throat, where it had choked him to death. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.9: [Unknown] > >>To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an > overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.10: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] > >>Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped > a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that > blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry > Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party > late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. > Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was > trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said, > "'I'll show you how to set it off. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.11: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] > >>A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment > in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan > Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, > said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the > chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. > >> > >>NOMINEE No.12: [UPI, Portland, OR] > >>Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man > shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will > be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts 25, lost his right eye > during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in > Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the > arrow entered Roberts right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 > millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts > would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delasha at the > University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches > of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow > managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if > Robert had tried to pull the arrow out he surely would have killed > himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been > drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." > >> > >>NOMINEE No.13 The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996 VANCOUVER (CP) > >>A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the > groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the > man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match > early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went > off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20s was > brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is > expected to survive. > >> > >>AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.14!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] > >>Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the > road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday > morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly > after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray > Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious > >condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men > were returning to Des Ark after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast > Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men > >>concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned > out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 > caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the > steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again > began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward > the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and > just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, > discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved > sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole > suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, > but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a > broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on > that bridge when Thurston shot his _____ off or we might both be dead" > stated Wallis. "I've been trooper for ten years in this part of the > world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two > admit how this accident happened", said Snyder. Upon being notiified of > the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught > and did anyone get them from the truck. > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748095 To: ** ALL ** Re: A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila." Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748096 To: ** ALL ** Re: > A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I > have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." > "What do they say?" the priest inquired. > "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some > fun?'" > "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your > problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put > them > with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. > My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and > your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." > "Thank you!" the woman responded. > The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. > His > two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The > lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female > parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" > One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the > beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748098 To: ** ALL ** Re: Elementary Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good > meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. > Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. > "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." > Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." > "What does that tell you?" > Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that > there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. > Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce > that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can > see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. > Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. > What does it tell you?" > Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. > Some one has stolen our tent." Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748099 To: ** ALL ** Re: > There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old > salt, > I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without > repeating himself. > > Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the > bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts. One day, it just gets to be too > much > and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and > yells, > "QUIT IT!" > > But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. > > Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a > kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and > scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with > a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush. > > At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. > For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and > claws and thrashes. > > Then, suddenly gets very, very quiet. > > At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird > may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that > he > opens up the freezer door. > > The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, > "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve > my > vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the > transformation that has come over the parrot. > > Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?" > > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748100 To: ** ALL ** Re: Recipe for Holiday Fruit Cake Its time to make the holiday fruitcake! > > Fruitcake > > 1 c water > 1 c sugar > 4 lg eggs > 2 c dried fruit > 1 t baking soda > 1 t salt > 1 c brown sugar > lemon juice > nuts > 1 gallon whiskey > > Sample the whiskey to check for quality. > Take a large bowl. > Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. > Pour 1 level cup and drink. > Repeat. > Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. > Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. > Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. > Turn off the mixer. > Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. > Mix on the turner. > If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a > drewscriver. > Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. > Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. > Check the whiskey. > Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. > Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. > Grease the oven. > Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. > Don't forget to beat off the turner. > Throw the bowl out of the window. > Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. > Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway? > > Cheer! Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748101 To: ** ALL ** Re: THE CAT & THE ROOSTER > > One day a rooster and a cat were walking down the street, they were good > friends and liked to go on walks together. > > Suddenly it began to rain and the sidewalk became very slick and full of > puddles. The cat slipped and fell into one of the puddles! > > At this sight the rooster became hysterical, laughing long and loud! > > Moral of the story: Whenever there is a wet pussy there is sure to be a > happy > cock nearby >> Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748102 To: ** ALL ** Re: Telemarketers > > > > > One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is > to > sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a > telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating > as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like > this: > > > Me: Hello > > AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... > > Me: Is this AT&T? > > AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... > > Me: This is AT&T? > > AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... > > Me: Is this AT&T? > > AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? > > Me: May I ask who is calling? > > AT&T: This is AT&T. > > Me: OK, hold on. > > > At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, > surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, > when > I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. > > > Me: Hello? > > AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? > > Me: May I ask who is calling please? > > AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... > > Me: Is this AT&T? > > AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... > > Me: This is AT&T? > > AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron? > > Me: Yes, is this AT&T? > > AT&T: Yes sir. > > Me: The phone company? > > AT&T: Yes sir. > > Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. > > AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. > > Me: I already have a phone. > > AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. > > Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. > > > When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express > yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this > lady was persistent. > > > AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a > day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. > > > Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute > but > she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time > to > whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. > > > Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? > > AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir > that's > right! 24 hours a day! > > Me: 7 days a week? > > AT&T: That's right. > > Me: 365 days a year? > > AT&T: Yes sir. > > Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! > > AT&T: We think so! > > Me: That's quite a sum of money! > > AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up. > > Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at > the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, > can I get a cash advance? > > AT&T: Excuse me? > > Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. > > AT&T: What are you talking about? > > Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a > week, > 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 > per > year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. > > AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a > minute. > > Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. > Are you sure this is AT&T? > > AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...... > > Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me > 10cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind > of > subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the > Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. > > AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for..... > > Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! > > AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary. > > Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? > > AT&T: What? > > Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! > > AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. > > > So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat > while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and > while > I have a mouth full of food: > > > Supervisor: Mr. Byron? > > Me: Yeth? > > Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a > minute program. > > Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? > > Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. > > > I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to > suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. > > > Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that > I > could sign up for the plan. > > Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was > helping you. > > Me: Thank you. > > > I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end > this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at > the other end of the phone. > > > AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up > for our plan? > > Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have > enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little > brother... > > AT&T: (click) > > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748103 To: ** ALL ** Re: One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She says "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys. She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!" Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748104 To: ** ALL ** Re: Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first guy says, "Guys, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog." Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748105 To: ** ALL ** Re: Subject: FW: Redneck Medical Glossary Benign.........................What you be after you be eight. Artery..........................The study of paintings. Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section.........A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.......................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize.....................Made eye contact with her. Colic............................A sheep dog. Coma...........................A punctuation mark. D&C............................Where Washington is. Dilate...........................To live long. Enema.........................Not a friend. Fester..........................Quicker than someone else. Fibula..........................A small lie. Genital.........................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on. Impotent......................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates. Node...........................I knew it. Outpatient....................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..................A fatherhood test. Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative.............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................Damn near killed him. Secretion....................Hiding something Seizure.......................Roman emperor. Tablet..........................A small table. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.........................More than one. Urine..........................Opposite of you're out Varicose.....................Near by/close by Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748106 To: ** ALL ** Re: 10 Things Men Would Do If They Had A Vagina For A Day 10) Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers 9) Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half 8) See if they could finally do the splits 7) Launch ping pong ball 20 feet 6) Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch 5) Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes 4) Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more 3) Go to the gynecologist for an exam and have it recorded on video 2) Pray for breasts, too 1) Finally find that damned G-spot. 10 Things Women Would Do If They Had A Penis For A Day 10) GET a blow job 9) Move up the corporate ladder 8) Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat 7) Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal 6) Find out why is hard to hit the bowl consistently 5) Have an orgasm in less than 30 seconds 4) Act as if touching yourself in public is proper 3) Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks 2) Measure yourself and then add at least 2 inches 1) Repeat number 10. >> Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748107 To: ** ALL ** Re: > A Russian man was walking along the beach when > he came across a lamp in the sand. He pickes up > the lamp and begins to rub it when out pops a > genie. > The genie asked if he could help him. > The Russian man asks the genie if he would grant > him some wishes? > The genie says he will grant him one wish. > The Russian began to think and then said, "I got it, > whenever I piss I want to piss out vodka." > The genie replied wish granted and left. > All excited the Russian man runs all the way home > burst through the door and says, "Honey, come > here I have something to show you and bring two > glasses." > His wife enters the room with the two glasses and > asks what is going on. > The man says watch this, pulls down his trousers > and pisses in both glasses. Picking up one glas > and extending out toward his wife he says "here > honey try this." > His wife screams "what are you crazy, I'm not > drinking your piss" when by accident a little spills > on her face. > At this point she realizes that it tastes like vodka. > Her husband explains to her about the genie and > together they start to drink. > The next day the man returns from work and the > wife asks if they could sit down together again and > have a drink. > The man says sure but only bring one glass this > time. > His wife looking all confused asks why only one > glass? > He replies tonight dear you're drinking from the > bottle. Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748108 To: ** ALL ** Re: > Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old > dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day > that Joe's boat sank. > A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking > him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel > terrible". > Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. > She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all > shrivelled > up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a > bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got > bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult > to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four > tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't > any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn > fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much > for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various > positions she split up the middle". > The old woman fainted. Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748109 To: ** ALL ** Re: > SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT..... > > 1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said > concentrate. > 2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her > mind. > 3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK. > 4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. > 5. She thought a quarterback was a refund. > 6. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back. > 7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. > 8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics. > 9. She tripped over a cordless phone. > 10. At the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put > Sagittarius. > 11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes. > 12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say. > 13. She studied for a blood test and failed. > 14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. > 15. She sold the car for gas money. > 16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home > and > got 16 friends. > 17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she > moved. > 18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company. > 19. When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that > said airport left, she turned around and went home. > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748110 To: ** ALL ** Re: On the first day of second grade, the teacher asked what everyone had done on their summer vacation. When it got up to little Johnny he said, "Me and my friends spent it shoving firecrackers up the assholes of cats." Flustered the teacher said, "John we don't say that. The word is rectum." "Damn straight we wrecked'em, " Johnny said, "We blew the little fuckers to kingdom come. ############################# Chad met a beautiful woman at a club, They hit it off, and after a few drinks they went back to his place. They immediately went to bed. After Chad was done rolled off her and lit a cigarette. The woman crossed her arm and said, "Well, you sure are good looking, but your a lousy lay." Miffed Chad retorted, "And how would you Know after 30 Seconds?!" Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748111 To: ** ALL ** Re: There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's > go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." > > The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs > with us." > > The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They > walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on > a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. > > The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." > > The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is > my seeing-eye dog." > > The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" > > He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." > > The man at the door says, "Come on in." > > The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a > pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. > > Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." > > The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my > seeing-eye dog." > > The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" > > The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a > Chihuahua?!" Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748112 To: ** ALL ** Re: > Big Mike > A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. > "Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter. > "But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, > this is a sperm bank." > "Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off." > says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she's opened the safe > door the guy says. > "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." > "But Its full of sperm!" She replies nervously. > "Don't argue, just drink it" he says, and she pries the cap off and > gulps it down. > "Take another one and drink it too" he demands. She takes out > another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to > the girl's amazement it's her husband. > "There," he says, "It's not that fucking difficult is it?" > > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748113 To: ** ALL ** Re: > One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being > introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around > said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our > oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." > > They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. > > "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in > Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. > On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen > tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. > I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the > bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen > jumped out of the bushes at me like this, > ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my > pants." > > The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, > I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." > > The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I > said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! > > > Date: Tuesday, December 8, 1998 10:18pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748114 To: ** ALL ** Re: Lil' Old Lady A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-yy-young man, dd-dd-do y-you sell-l d-di-dildos h-here ?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." > The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb- bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size." > Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-ar-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big a-ar-round-d? " "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." > "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does." >"W-w-ell, h-how d-do y-yo-ou t-tu-turn it off?" Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:08pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748122 To: ** ALL ** Re: A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him, of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:08pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748123 To: ** ALL ** Re: > CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE > > 1) "You Were an Accident" > 2) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" > 3) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" > 4) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" > 5) "The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion" > 6) "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" > 7) "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" > 8) "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" > 9) "Where's Godot?" > 10) "Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" > 11) "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals > of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" > 12) All Dogs Go to Hell" > 13) "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" > 14) "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" > 15) "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" > 16) "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" > 17) "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" > 18) "Bi-Curious George" > 19) "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" > 20) "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" > 21) "You Are Different and That's Bad" > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748124 To: ** ALL ** Re: Questions you always wanted answers to... What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog. How do you double the value of a Yugo? You fill it with gas. What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? Neither of them can stop a Bronco. Have you heard George Michael's new song? It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go. I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. What is forty foot long and has eight teeth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. What's the weather like in Tahoe? Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748125 To: ** ALL ** Re: > YOU KNOW YOU ARE WHITE TRASH IF.... > > You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. > > You were shooting pool when any of your children were born. > > Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can > take a bath." > > You've ever given a rat trap as a gift. > > Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. > > You keep a can of RAID on your dining room table. > > You've totaled every car you've ever owned. > > You ever got too drunk to fish. > > Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road." > > The dog can't watch you eat without gagging. > > Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. > > You prefer car keys to Q-Tips. > > You've ever financed a tattoo. > > You've ever bought a used hat. > > You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. > > You're considered an expert on worm beds. > > Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen. > > "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit. > > You spit chewing tobacco in house plants. > > Your wedding reception included a beer brunch. > > You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur. > > You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk. > > Rather than drinking sacramental wine at church, you "bring your own." > > The Salvation Army refused your mattress. > > You go to a family reunion to meet men. > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748126 To: ** ALL ** Re: > 20 Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room > > 1. Excitable: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. > 2. Sociable: joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. > 3. Crosseyed: looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. > 4. Timid: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal,comes back > later. > 5. Indifferent: all urinals being used, pisses in sink. > 6. Clever: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. > 7. Worried: not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. > 8. Frivolous: plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly > > or bug. > 9. Absent-Minded: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. > 10. Childish: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it > bubble. > 11. Sneak: farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in > > next stall will get blamed. > 12. Patient: stands very close for a long time while reading with free > hand. > 13. Desparate: waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants > 14. Tough: bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. > 15. Efficient: waits until he has to crap, then does both. > 16. Fat: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe. > 17. Little: stands on box, falls in, drowns. > 18. Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. > 19. Disgruntled: stands for a while, gives up, walks away. > 20. Conceited: holds two inch dick like a baseball bat. > > > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748127 To: ** ALL ** Re: > One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being > introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around > said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our > oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." > > They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. > > "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in > Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. > On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen > tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. > I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the > bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen > jumped out of the bushes at me like this, > ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my > pants." > > The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, > I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." > > The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I > said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! > > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748128 To: ** ALL ** Re: > The Little Boy And The Marine > > In a restaurant between San Diego and Camp Pendleton, a young boy was > > playing in the restroom sink when a marine came in. > > > > "Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL Marine?" > > > > "Yes I am! Why, would you like to wear my hat?" replied the marine. > > > > "Neato! Thanks mister!" said the boy, donning the hat and continuing to > > play in the sink. > > > > Shortly after the marine entered a stall, a Salior came in. > > > > "Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL Salior?" > > > > "Yes, I am kid. Why, do you want to suck my dick?" replied the Salior. > > "Oh gosh no mister! I'm not a REAL marine, I'm just wearing the hat!" > > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748129 To: ** ALL ** Re: > If Men Ruled the Earth > > > Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your > call > to her real number. > > Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response > to "I love you." > > Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. > > When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd > appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. > > Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, > you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. > > Birth control would come in ale or lager. > > You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd > worked > for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." > > Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of > your > choice. > > The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. > > "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an > acceptable > excuse for tardiness. > > At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your > window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car > like > Fred Flintstone. > > It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned > helmets, > and go pillage a nearby town. > > Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public > ugliness" ordinance. > > Tanks would be far easier to rent. > > Garbage would take itself out. > > Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." > > Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your > wife-to-be > with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" > > Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in > leap years. > > On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go > drinking. > > St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would > be > celebrated every month. > > Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the > pursuing > cops. Or to the crooks. > > Two words Ally McNaked. > > Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off > the > Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world > history. > > The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night > Football > from a Different Camera Angle. > > It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned > it > the following day with a full tank of gas. > > Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. > > When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with > would actually reduce your fine. As in: > Cop "You know how fast you were going?" > You "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." > Cop "Nice one. That's $10 off." > > Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." > > Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. > > Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. > > > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748130 To: ** ALL ** Re: > >>> There's been tons of male bashing jokes, so in the interest of fair > play > >>> ... > >>> as much as women find these difficult ... here ya go ... > >>> > >>> Q. Why did God give men penises? > >>> A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. > >>> > >>> Q Whats the difference between a paycheck and your dick? > >>> A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck. > >>> > >>> Q. How is a woman like a laxative? > >>> A. They both irritate the shit out of you. > >>> > >>> Q. What are the small bumps around a womans' nipples for? > >>> A. It's Braille for "suck here". > >>> > >>> Q. Why do men die before their wives? > >>> A. They want to. > >>> > >>> Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? > >>> A. He died laughing before he could tell anyone. > >>> > >>> Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? > >>> A. Lipstick > >>> > >>> Q. Why do women have tits? > >>> A. So men will talk to them. > >>> > >>> Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? > >>> A. You come in one and go in the other. > >>> > >>> Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex? > >>> A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. > >>> > >>> Q. What's six inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild? > >>> A. Money > >>> > >>> Q. Why did the army send too many women with PMS to the Persian > Gulf? > >>> A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days. > >>> > >>> Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women? > >>> A. When they come they're wet and wild, but when they go they take > your house and car with them. > >>> > >>> Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? > >>> A. After 5 years your job will still suck. > >>> > >>> Q. What's the best thing about a blow job? > >>> A. Ten minutes of silence. Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748131 To: ** ALL ** Re: > His And Hers ATMs > > HIS: > 1. Pull up to ATM > 2. Insert card > 3. Enter PIN number and account > 4. Take cash, card and receipt > > HER: > 1. Pull up to ATM > 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror > 3. Shut off engine > 4. Put keys in purse > 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine > 6. Hunt for card in purse > 7. Insert card > 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written > on it. > 9. Enter PIN number > 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. > 11. Hit "cancel" > 12. Re-enter correct PIN number > 13. Check balance > 14. Look for envelope > 15. Look in purse for pen > 16. Make out deposit slip > 17. Endorse checks > 18. Make deposit > 19. Study instructions > 20. Make cash withdrawal > 21. Get in car > 22. Check makeup > 23. Look for keys > 24. Start car > 25. Check makeup > 26. Start pulling away > 27. STOP > 28. Back up to machine > 29. Get out of car > 30. Take card and receipt > 31. Get back in car > 32. Put card in wallet > 33. Put receipt in checkbook > 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook > 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook > 36. Check makeup > 37. Put car in reverse gear > 38. Put car in drive > 39. Drive away from machine > 40. Travel 3 miles > 41. Release parking brake > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748132 To: ** ALL ** Re: > The opening credits of The Simpsons show Bart Simpson writing the same > sentence over and over again on a chalkboard. You know, it's the old > "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a > troublemaker. Each early episode he would be seen writing a new and > different phrase. Someone apparently went to the trouble to tape all > the Simpsons shows, watched them all, and wrote these down. Even if > you're not a fan, you may enjoy these: > > I will not carve gods. > I will not spank others. > I will not aim for the head. > I will not barf unless I'm sick > I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. > I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. > I will not conduct my own fire drills. > Funny noises are not funny. > I will not snap bras. > I will not fake seizures. > This punishment is not boring and pointless. > My name is not Dr. Death. > I will not defame New Orleans. > I will not prescribe medication. > I will not bury the new kid. > I will not teach others to fly. > I will not bring sheep to class. > A burp is not an answer. > Teacher is not a leper. > Coffee is not for kids. > I will not eat things for money. > I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. > The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. > I will not call the principal "spud head." > Goldfish don't bounce. > Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. > No one is interested in my underpants. > I will not sell miracle cures. > I will return the seeing-eye dog. > I do not have diplomatic immunity. > I will not charge admission to the bathroom. > The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. > All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. > I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. > I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. > My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. > I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. > I am not deliciously saucy. > Organ transplants are best left to professionals. > The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". > I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. > There are plenty of businesses like show business. > Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. > I will not waste chalk. > I will not skateboard in the halls. > Underwear should be worn on the inside. > I will never win an emmy. > The Christmas Pageant does not stink. > I will not torment the emotionally frail. > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748133 To: ** ALL ** Re: Subject: Perfect > > Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect > > courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, you > > guessed it-- perfect. > > > > One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their > > perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side > > of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. > > > > There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to > > disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple > > loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving > > along delivering the toys. > > > > Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect > couple > > and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the > accident. > > > > Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first > > place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such > thing > > as a perfect man. > > > > Women, end e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling. > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman > must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. > > > > By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings up > > another point: women never listen either. > > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748134 To: ** ALL ** Re: > Santa's Really Bitter > > T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed > He cussed out the elves and threw down his list > Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks > I have good mind to scrap the whole works > > I've busted my ass for damn near a year > Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear > The old lady bitches cause I work late at night > The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight > > Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids > Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS > And just when I thought that things would get better > Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter > > They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny > Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money > And the kids these days - they all are the pits > They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits > > I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds > Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads > I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them > They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! > > If you think that's bad...just picture this > Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss > They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard > And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird > > Flying through the air...dodging the trees > Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees > I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment > I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment > There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason > I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!! > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748135 To: ** ALL ** Re: > A new recruit is assigned to do his tour of duty at a remote base > >in the middle of nowhere. All men - not a women to be found for > >miles and miles. After a few weeks, the recruit is getting horny > >and is really looking for some relief. So he asks his commanding > >officer where can he go to get relief. > > > >The officer tells him "See that barrel over there. Go over > >there and stick your dick in the bung hole." > >The recruit does it and receives the best dick sucking blow job he every > had! > >He is happy and very satisfied. > > > >The next day the recruit goes back to the officer and tells the > >officer "That was such a great blow job. I'm going to get another one > >on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday..." > >The officer interrupts him "Sorry, you can't get one on Friday." > >"Why not?" asks the recruit. > >"Well, Friday", says the officer "that's your day in the barrel!" > > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748136 To: ** ALL ** Re: We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass cons"? Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^^o_) a wise ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass ..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo.. . oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o. . o" 'o" "o o o *o .o o 'o o o o. o o o o \o/ o o --(O)-- o o. /o\ .o "o o o'" oo o oo oo. oo oo 'ooo. .oo. ooo "o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,,..oo"o o. """""" oo """"" .o 'o oo o' *o oo o 'o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o You have been e-mooned! Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748137 To: ** ALL ** Re: > Bill Clinton is sitting next to a 19-year-old White > House intern one day at a gathering. The President says > to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office and > see my clock?" > > She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so." > > The President replies, "Please, I'd really like to show > it to you." > > "No, Mr. President, I really can't." > > "Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a > minute." > > "All right. If it won't take long.", replied the intern. > > They go to the Oval Office. The President sits down, > unzips his pants, and pulls out his penis. > > The intern says, "Mr. President! That's not a clock, > it's a cock!!!" > > The President replies, "Well, you're right, but if you > put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock. > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748138 To: ** ALL ** Re: Subject: "Cheers" quotes > > > The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"! .......... > > > What's shaking Norm?" > "All four cheeks & a couple of chins." > > > "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" > "Like a baby treats a diaper." > > > "Whatcha up to Norm?" > "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." > > > "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" > "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone > underwear." > > > "How's life treating you Norm?" > "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." > > > "What's new Normie?" > "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're > demanding beer." > > > "What'll you have Normie?" > "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of > whatever > comes out of that tap." > "Looks like beer, Norm." > "Call me Mister Lucky." > > > "What's the story Mr. Peterson?" > "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy > ending. > > > "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." > "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." > > > "Beer, Norm?" > "Have I gotten that predictable? Good." > > > "What's going on Mr. Peterson?" > "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" > > > "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" > "Poor." > "I'm sorry to hear that." > "No, I mean pour." > > > "What's going down, Normie?" > "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." > > > "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" > "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." > > > "What's the story Norm?" > "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." > > > "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" > "A little early isn't it, Woody?" > "For a beer?" > "No, for stupid questions." > Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748139 To: ** ALL ** Re: Jesus Is Watching You... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the crap are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus," the bird answered. Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748140 To: ** ALL ** Re: Computers - Him or Her? > > An I.T. manager, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships > are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers > should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of > computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of > men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be > referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were > asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. > > The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in > the masculine gender because: > > 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on > 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. > 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they > are the problem. > 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a > little longer you could have had a better model. > > The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to > in the feminine gender because: > > 1. No one but the Creator understands his or her internal logic. > 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is > incomprehensible to everyone else. > 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later > retrieval. > 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending > half your paycheck on accessories for it. Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748141 To: ** ALL ** Re: > Subject: Through the ages > > The Ages of Women: > > 1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...virgin > and unexplored. > > 2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...hot > and exotic. > > 3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America...fully > explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. > > 4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe...exhausted, > but still has points of interest. > > 5. After 56 she is like Australia...everybody knows it's down > there but who gives a damn. > > > Ages of Men: > > 1. Between the ages of 18 and 26...Tri-weekly. > > 2. Between the ages of 27 and 46...Try, weekly. > > 3. Over 47...Try, weakly. Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748142 To: ** ALL ** Re: > Turner Brown > =============== > A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy > standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, > looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left > testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." > > The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude > kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the > little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with > you?" > > In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what > EXACTLY did you say to me?" > > The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured > I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. > I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left > testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name > is Turner Brown." > > The small guy says, "Thank God I thought you said 'Turn around." Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748143 To: ** ALL ** Re: 60 things NOT to say to a naked guy > 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. > 2. Ahh, it's cute. > 3. Who circumcised you? > 4. Why don't we just cuddle? > 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. > 6. It's more fun to look at. > 7. Make it dance. > 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. > 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? > 10. It looks like a night crawler. > 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. > 12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. > 13. It's OK, we'll work around it. > 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? > 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. > 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? > 17. Oh no, a flash headache. > 18. (giggle and point) > 19. Can I be honest with you? > 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. > 21. Let me go get my tweezers. > 22. How sweet, you brought incense. > 23. This explains your car. > 24. You must be a growing boy. > 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. > 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. > 27. Are you one of those pygmies? > 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? > 29. Ever hear of Clearasil? > 30. All right, a treasure hunt > 31. I didn't know they came that small. > 32. Why is God punishing you? > 33. At least this won't take long. > 34. I never saw one like that before. > 35. What do you call this? > 36. But it still works, right? > 37. Damn I hate baby-sitting. > 38. It looks so unused. > 39. Do you take steroids? > 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. > 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. > 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? > 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. > 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? > 45. Aww, it's hiding. > 46. Are you cold? > 47. If you get me real drunk first. > 48. Is that an optical illusion? > 49. What is that? > 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry. > 51. Were you neutered? > 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. > 53. Does it come with an air pump? > 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. > 55. Where are the puppet strings? > 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. > 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes > 58. Never mind, why bother. > 59. Is that a second belly button ? > 60. Where's the rest of it ? > >------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 1:09pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748144 To: ** ALL ** Re: > Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force > pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. > "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for > maintenance > crews to fix before the next flight. > > (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION > > (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement > (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire > > (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough, > (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft > > (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid, > (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers > lack normal seepage > > (P) Something loose in cockpit > (S) Something tightened in cockpit > > (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear > S) Evidence removed > > (P) DME volume unbelievably loud > (S) Volume set to more believable level > > (P) Dead bugs on windshield > (S) Live bugs on order > > (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm > descent > (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground > > (P) IFF inoperative > (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode > > (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick > (S) That's what they're there for > > (P) Number three engine missing > (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search > > (P) Aircraft handles funny > (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be > serious > > (P) Target Radar hums > (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words > > Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:02pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748265 To: ** ALL ** Re: ICE Fishing A moron wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky -- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the moron moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" The moron, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager".... Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:02pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748266 To: ** ALL ** Re: Clinton's Defense by Dr. Suess I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly I might have-once-with Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms. Betty Currie There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least, not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed It never happened with a cigar I never dated Mrs. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my Mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, ever did I inhale. Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:02pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748267 To: ** ALL ** Re: The Labot Pain Machine The Labor Pain Machine A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically. The doctor set the knob to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50%, then finally to 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their front porch. Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:02pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748268 To: ** ALL ** Re: Dumb Blonde A dumb blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:02pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748269 To: ** ALL ** Re: Dumb Yuppie An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows excitedly, "- I can check my e-mail from here...?" Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:02pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748270 To: ** ALL ** Re: Save Our President (S.O.B.) Helping out the President A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning." Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:04pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748271 To: ** ALL ** Re: Help Desk Help Desk > > This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line which was transcribed > from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say > the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the > Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". > (Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:) > > "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" > >>> > > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word perfect > >>> > > "What sort of trouble?" > >>> > > "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. > > > > "Went away?" > >>> > > "They disappeared." > >>> > > "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" > >>> > > "Nothing." > >>> > > "Nothing?" > >>> > > "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." > >>> > > "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" > >>> > > "How do I tell?" > >>> > > "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" > >>> > > "What's a sea-prompt?" > >>> > > "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" > >>> > > "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." > >>> > > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > >>> > > "What's a monitor?" > >>> > > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a > little light that tells you when it's on?" > >>> > > "I don't know." > >>> > > "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord > goes into it. Can you see that?" > >>> > > "Yes, I think so." > >>> > > "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the > wall." > >>> > > ".......Yes, it is." > >>> > > "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two > cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" > >>> > > "No." > >>> > > "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other > cable." > >>> > > "....... Okay, here it is." > >> > > "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of > your computer." > >>> > > "I can't reach." > >>> > > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" > >>> > > "No." > >>> > > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > >>> > > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's > dark." > >>> > > "Dark?" > >>> > > "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from > the window." > >>> > > "Well, turn on the office light then." > >>> > > "I can't." > >>> > > "No? Why not?" > >>> > > "Because there's a power failure." > >>> > > "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you > still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff you computercame in?" > >>> > > "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." > >>> > > "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was > when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." > >>> > > "Really? Is it that bad?" > >>> > > "Yes, I'm afraid it is." > >>> > > "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" > >>> > > "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer." > Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:04pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748272 To: ** ALL ** Re: More dumb blondes Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the > sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the > mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." > The second Blonde said, "Let me look!" The first Blonde handed her > the compact. The second Blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You > dumbass, it's me!" Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:04pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748273 To: ** ALL ** Re: Complaint Letter to Microsoft Dear Sirs; Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Jonathan 0Powell Dear Mr. Powell- This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Sincerely, Microsoft Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:04pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748274 To: ** ALL ** Re: BEER FRANFURT (Reuters) New Scientific Study on Beer Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. >> Date: Tuesday, February 9, 1999 8:04pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748275 To: ** ALL ** Re: Reverse Red Neck You've all heard the plethora of Red Neck jokes (re: Jeff Foxworthy) Well here are some of the opposite: You might be a Yankee if... The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you. You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping trip. Ever. For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits. You can name at least 4 hockey teams. You don't know what a moon pie is. You've never eaten Okra. You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. You've never had grain alcohol. You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse. You have no idea what a polecat is. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. You've never had bangs. You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all". You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. You prefer a bagel over a donut. Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,Kay Bob, Bob Bob) You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you. None of your fur coats are made with real fur. You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is. You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah." You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year. Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV. You don't "reckon". You're not "fixin" to do anything. > Date: Friday, February 12, 1999 9:21am Forum: Jokes From: Editor Msg#: 748282 To: ** ALL ** Re: The Frog A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." --- þ WinQwk 2.0 a#0 þ Unregistered Evaluation Copy Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:24am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748292 To: ** ALL ** Re: Sharing the Load Why we are so tired? > > For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of > vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. > But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm > overworked. > --The population of this country is 237 million. > --104 million are retired. > --That leaves 133 million to do the work. > > --There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the > work. > > --Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. > > --This leaves 19 million to do the work. > > --Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do > the > > work. > > --Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City > > Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. > > --There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do > the > > work. > > --Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people > to > > do the work. > > > > You and me. > > And you're sitting there reading jokes on your email!!! > > Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:25am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748293 To: ** ALL ** Re: A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes > later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A > few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. > The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is > screaming about. "What's all the screaming about inthere? You're scaring > my customers!" > "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, > something squeezes the hell out of my balls." > With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,"You idiot! > You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!" > Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:26am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748294 To: ** ALL ** Re: Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the > waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The > black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown > lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, > the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in > the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, > "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply > from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for > everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" > The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers > and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the > carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole > in my owner's couch." > "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks > like Prozac for me too," he dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then > turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. > "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the > cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump > everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and > was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I > hopped on her back and started humping away." > The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for > you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails > clipped." Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:30am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748295 To: ** ALL ** Re: A Good Date! > > These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone > out on dates and all came home at about the same time. > The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you > come homewith your hair all messed up." > The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when > you comehome with your makeup all smeared." > The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed > herpanties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, > "Now THAT'S a good date!!" > > Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:30am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748296 To: ** ALL ** Re: Two Blondes > > Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the > sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the > mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." > The second Blonde said, "Let me look!" The first Blonde handed her > the compact. The second Blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You > dumbass, it's me!" Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:30am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748297 To: ** ALL ** Re: complaint letter > > Dear Sirs; > Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the > new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space > and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the > product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other > programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all > other system activity. > Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, > crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 > from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but > un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? > > Jonathan 0Powell > > Dear Mr. Powell- > > This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due > to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to > Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & > ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by > its creator to run everything. > It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from > the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because > Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install > Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original > system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I > recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. > Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the > entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume > all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. > The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset > button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you > take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high > maintenance. > > Sincerely, Microsoft > > > Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:30am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748298 To: ** ALL ** Re: "Proud Dads" > Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a > bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried > that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a > local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, > and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so > successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his > birthday." > The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he > started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they > made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate > firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new > house for his birthday." > The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping > floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS > best friend a million in stock for his birthday." > The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that > they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm > embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out > as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I > just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to > look at the bright side: his > boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in > stock for his birthday." > Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:30am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748299 To: ** ALL ** Re: BEER > > New Scientific Study on Beer > Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female > hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of > beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively > without making sense, became emotional, couldn|t drive, couldn|t think and > refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. >> > Date: Wednesday, February 17, 1999 2:30am Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748300 To: ** ALL ** Re: Help Desk > > This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line which was transcribed > from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say > the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the > Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". > (Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:) > > "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" > >>> > > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word perfect > >>> > > "What sort of trouble?" > >>> > > "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. > > > > "Went away?" > >>> > > "They disappeared." > >>> > > "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" > >>> > > "Nothing." > >>> > > "Nothing?" > >>> > > "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." > >>> > > "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" > >>> > > "How do I tell?" > >>> > > "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" > >>> > > "What's a sea-prompt?" > >>> > > "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" > >>> > > "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." > >>> > > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > >>> > > "What's a monitor?" > >>> > > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a > little light that tells you when it's on?" > >>> > > "I don't know." > >>> > > "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord > goes into it. Can you see that?" > >>> > > "Yes, I think so." > >>> > > "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the > wall." > >>> > > ".......Yes, it is." > >>> > > "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two > cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" > >>> > > "No." > >>> > > "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other > cable." > >>> > > "....... Okay, here it is." > >> > > "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of > your computer." > >>> > > "I can't reach." > >>> > > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" > >>> > > "No." > >>> > > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > >>> > > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's > dark." > >>> > > "Dark?" > >>> > > "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from > the window." > >>> > > "Well, turn on the office light then." > >>> > > "I can't." > >>> > > "No? Why not?" > >>> > > "Because there's a power failure." > >>> > > "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you > still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff you computercame in?" > >>> > > "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." > >>> > > "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was > when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." > >>> > > "Really? Is it that bad?" > >>> > > "Yes, I'm afraid it is." > >>> > > "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" > >>> > > "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer." > Date: Monday, March 15, 1999 3:05pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 748597 To: ** ALL ** Re: lunch in paris with clinton Date: Wednesday, February 10, 1999 6:07pm Electronic Mail From: INT:gene@interport.net Msg#: 928061 To: Big Al Re: true story (N)ext, (P)revious, or (R)ead this message? Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo are having drinks in Paris. The waiter asks " L'aperitif?" All of them answer "Oui!" The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?" Zedillo says: "Oui!" The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?" Yeltsin answers: "Oui!" Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?" Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!!!" Gene Go @Home (R)eply, (E)rase, (C)opy, (F)orward, (B)acktrack, (P)revious, or (N)ext? Date: Monday, March 15, 1999 3:07pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 748598 To: ** ALL ** Re: on the subject of halos . . heavens not all its cracked up to b! DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD upon her death mother theresa arrived at the pearly gates seeking entry into heaven and found the gates locked! so she started to stare inside to see what was going on and saw that it was very crowded with lots of angels and souls flying around with their halos so she decided to ring the bell to get in st. peter promptly answered the bell and she asked i'm mother theresa iwas as close to a saint as u can on earth i fed the poor and indigent; took care of the sick, said my prayers every day, why is the gate locked barring me from entry ? st. peter replied "i'm sorry mother theresa but as you can see its very crowded in here and we're bursting at the seams and we just dont have any room. right now please be patient and i'm sure a spot will open up for u eventually". so hang out here in limbo and as soon as a spot opens i'll let u in well, after quite a while st. peter came and escorted mother theresa into heaven , she was very angry at the long time she had to wait and once again tore into st. peter about the poor treatment and service she had received.so st. peter explained to her that god had a universal occupancy rule that no more than a million-billion souls were allowed in heaven at any one time.and that, this was the first spot which opened.but she was still not pleased or satisfied then after she was in for a while she noticed that every one but her had a halo!so once again she went to st. peter and complained.once again hey i'm mother theresa,i fed the poor and indigent took care of the sick i was as close to a saint as you can get on earth and i dont have a halo!. and with the blink of an eye from st. peter a nice bright shiny halo appeared above her head. now she was happy until the next day she ran to princess di' and mother theresa noticed that princessdi' had a bigger halo than hers; so once again she went to st. peter and complained; in annoyance he said "what is it now?! mother theresa said" remember me; the women who was as close to saint 1hood on earth as you could get: well how come princess diana an adulteress has a bigger halo than mine? st. peter replied " that's not a halo!; it's a steering wheel! Date: Monday, March 15, 1999 3:11pm Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 748599 To: ** ALL ** Re: . . . . . A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy - a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door."Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist! . Date: Tuesday, March 23, 1999 2:45am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 748623 To: ** ALL ** Re: CHINESE 101 CHINESE FOR DUMMIES . . here is a list of oriental names and their meanining: YOU NEED TO SOUND THESE OUT! name-------------- meaning _______ ai bang mai ne.... i bumped into the coffee table ar u wun tu....... a gay liberation greeting chin tu fat....... you need a face lift dum gai............ a stupid person gun pao da..........an ancient chinese invention for making fireworks hu yu hai ding.....we have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive jan ne ka sun......a former talk show host kum hir............approach me lao zi sho........ gilligans island loa zi.............not very good lin ching..........an illegal execution moon lan ding......a great achievement of the american space program ne ahn.............a lighting fixture used in advertising shai gai...........a bashful person tai ne bae be......a premature infant tai ne po ne.......a small horse ten ding ba........serving drinks to people wan bum lung.......a person with TB. yu mai te tan...... so u went to hawaii? wa shing ka.........cleaning an automobile wa shing ton........capital of the U.S. wai so dim..........are you saving electricity? wa you shao ting....there is noreason to raise your voice. hu flung dung.......which one of u fertized the field *********************************************************** Date: Tuesday, March 23, 1999 2:48am Forum: Jokes From: Big Al Msg#: 748624 To: ** ALL ** Re: it cud be or not be ur day . . One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing despair, he has his first meeting with a demon... Demon: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell ! Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequilla, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more ! Guy: Gee that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow...that's ...awsome! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go bankrupt....well you're dead anyhow. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!! Demon: You gay? Guy: No... Demon: "Ooooh," (grimaces) "You're gonna hate Thursdays." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israelite are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq. Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water." A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young punker gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked multicolored hair, that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright multicolored feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah! Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot ... I thought maybe you were my son." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------}:-> Date: Friday, April 30, 1999 11:25pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748662 To: ** ALL ** Re: Little Johnny strikes again > The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. > She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples > of words with more than one syllable. > "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" > "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." > "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know > another word." > "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. > Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK > Mike, what is your word." > "Saturday." says Mike. > "Great, that has three syllables..." > Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick > me! Pick me!" > Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher > reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" > Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." > Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. > Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." > "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables." > > Date: Friday, April 30, 1999 11:26pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748663 To: ** ALL ** Re: Subject: Divorce? > > A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, > "What are the grounds for your divorce?" > She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the > property with a stream running by." > "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" > "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. > "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" > "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's > parents." > He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" > "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed > one." > "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" > "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like > the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." > "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" > "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." > Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a > divorce?" > "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. > My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me." > Date: Friday, April 30, 1999 11:29pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748664 To: ** ALL ** Re: Jedi Mind Tricks this will only take a minute, and it's really cool! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jedi Mind Trick > > > > > > This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it a > > > little while. Then it's even more weird. Just follow the > > > instructions below: > > > > > > > > > DON'T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the instructions > > below > > > exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to > > say > > > the answers aloud quietly. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > What is: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 2+2? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 4+4? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 8+8? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 16+16? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Got it? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Now scroll down... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The number you picked was 7, right? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Isn't that weird??? > > > > > > > > > > > > Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. > > > Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. > > > There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and > > answer > > > the > > > questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly > > > as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really. > > > > > > Now, > > > ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something)... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > What is: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 1+5 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 2+4 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 3+3 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 4+2 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 5+1 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 > > > seconds. > > > Then scroll down. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Keep going. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > You're thinking of a carrot right? > > > If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped > > > enough > > > to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot > when > > > given this exercise. > > > Freaky, huh? > > > > > > Here is another one > > > > > > DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! > > > It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the > > > bottom > > > until you've worked it out! > > > > > > 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to > > > eat > > > out. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 2. Multiply this number by 2. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 3. Add 5. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 4. Multiply it by 50. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1748. > > > If you haven't, add 1747. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > SEE BELOW > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > You should now have a three digit number: > > > > > > The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times > > you > > > want to go out each week). > > > > > > The second two digits are your age!!! > > > > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > > > > > This is the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the fun > around > > > while it lasts... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Date: Friday, April 30, 1999 11:30pm Forum: Jokes From: Renegade Msg#: 748665 To: ** ALL ** Re: Subject:Clinton's Defense by Dr. Suess > ---------- > > I did not do it in a car > I did not do it in a bar > I did not do it in the dark > I did not do it in the park > I did not do it on a date > I did not ever fornicate > I did not do it at a dance > I did not do it in her pants > I did not get beyond first base > I did not do it in her face > I never did it in a bed > > If you think that, you've been misled > I did not do it with a groan > I did not do it on the phone > I did not cause her dress to stain > I never boinked Saddam Hussein > I did not do it with a whip > I never fondled Linda Tripp > I never acted really silly > > I might have-once-with Arafat > I never did it in a hurry > I never groped Ms. Betty Currie > There was no sex at Arlington > There was no sex on Air Force One > I might have copped a little feel > And then endeavored to conceal > But never did these things so lewd > At least, not ever in the nude > These things to which I have confessed > They do not count, if we stayed dressed > It never happened with a cigar > I never dated Mrs. Starr > I did not know this little sin > Would be retold on CNN > I broke some rules my Mama taught me > I tried to hide, but now you've caught me > But I implore, I do beseech > Do not condemn, do not impeach > I might have got a little tail > But never, ever did I inhale. > End of list! 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